A (Long) Note To My Lil Sis

Dear lil sis,

Do you know that I love you. Words cannot express how much I love you.

If a song can explain how much you mean to me, it'd be 'Mirrors' by Justin Timberlake. (Ok, JT eww much?).

But seriously, I love you. You are my reflection. And much more than that. I can see myself in you but you are braver than me. Sometimes, I feel like I must protect you. You are like this little person in my hand that need so much of my protection but you are your own person. You need to see the world yourself although it might hurt you. It scares me that you'll be hurt but I know you don't need me to learn life.

I can still remember how you would run to me asking my opinions and just letting everything out to me. It makes me feel important. It makes me feel like you need me. Now you have grown up but behind the brave face that you wear, you're just my old naive little sister.

Though, you may not need me, just so you know, I'll always love you and whenever you need me, I'll be here waiting for you. My baby, the world is a cruel place. I hope you'd be much successful in handling them than myself. I may not be a good role model but you can always count on me for anything.

The reason I love you is because there are so much part of you that resemble me but then there are more. You are the person I wish I can be but I'm such a coward that I couldn't be that person. You break out against all the odds. You are the 'little me'.

I may appear happy with the people around me but no one can bring happiness as much as when I'm with you. Seriously, I love you. I wish I can be with you all the time.

Dear lil sis, take care of yourself. Because if you ever break yourself, I'll be broken million times worst. 

-your sister, your soulmate. 

Two Sides

Everything has two sides or so they said. But I don't have two sides, I have million sides.

I change when I am with different people. Sometimes I hate myself for not being able to be who I really am. The last time I am being myself is back when I was still in Perlis. People change. And that includes me. I change like a chameleon.

I listen to songs to run away from problems. To run away from reality. 

When I broke up with my first bf, I was listening to Britney's Blackout. That album speaks to me. She was having problems and I was too. She was running away from problems by singing songs that can get you up and dancing your socks off and that healed me.

Britney's songs are just about having fun hence me not facing the the reality of life. But I don't mind. I love dancing sometimes stupidly at that.

And lately, I can feel that I've grown. Things that I used to find important are not so important anymore. 

I am currently listening to T.A.T.U's songs. I think they're genius but sadly the group has no more existed. Their songs meanwhile are more me. The rebel true side of me. The dark side. The side of me that's just wanna be me. The twisted little me.

Habislah untuk ketika ini sebab terasyik tengok gambar britney plak..hilang dh fokus...

Tata =)

A Little Time Out

I love writing and it's killing me that I have many things to talk about at times but don't have time to write. 

This is a breather. I have many things goin on lately and I miss people so much and songs and places but at this moment, I don't have a clue on what to write. I'm just happy that I can write.

Hmm.. What should I write? 

Oh yeah, this morning I was thinking of my Pykett boys. The thought came suddenly. I just don't know how to explain. This feeling. 

Am I weird? Sometimes, I love people and things too much. Do I have obsessive compulsive disorder or bipolar disorder or manic depressive? 

Once I thought that I've overcame this love towards Pykett but this morning it came again. The love towards the boys. I was having difficult times at ipg then and the boys brought back my happiness. I was VERY HAPPY. 

I thought of Sharizan and the other boys. They must be little adults now. They must have grown. Do they still remember me?

I'm sad.

Portugal

Since it's Euro, people are currently talking about football all the time. I wanna talk about it too.

I have to admit I'm not that knowledgeable in this subject but I know a few things. And I can say more than some people =p

Anyway, when I first watched football, my eyes were set on Luis Figo. He's a great football player and since then, I fell in love with Portugal. Little did I know then that Portugal is one of the top 10 football team in the world.

And since then, I try to learn about Portugal. I began to read my form 3 history books. I haven't had any idea that the 'Portugis' in my history books refers to the Portuguese and they have a country named Portugal (I am so terrible in my historical and geographical knowledge).

And guess what, it helped me in studying. Thanks football. Hehe.

I love Figo and I think Vitor Baia is such a GREAT goalkeeper.

Then there is Joao Pinto. I get attracted to angry guys easily (now I am setting my eyes on Mario Balotelli). I think angry guys are sexy and full of attitude.

And the guys that have helped Portugal so much such as Pepe, Pauleta, Fabio Coentrao, Raul Meireles and Simao. Writing their names you can imagine how I am being so girl-y.

Nani. He's the guy beside Figo that when I first saw, I instantly fell in love. I noticed him even before MU and other people noticed how talented he is.

Enough for now. I don't wanna bore anyone with my thoughts =p

Oh yeah, forgot to mention. I've been watching the delayed and repeated games that I've learnt the rhythm of Portugal's national anthem. It's just that I don't think I'll be able to sing along since their language for me is too difficult. I am 24 anyway, not a 2 year olds that can absorb things they hear.

In The 'Zone'

Before I start, I wanna say my grammar sucks (check out my last post..blueek).

This week is probably the most eventful to date for a while now. I had gastric for the first time in 24 years of my life and it is so traumatic. It drained all the energy out of me. But enough with it, I will write about it if I have the time.

I was doing my work when I was browsing my childhood songs one by one. I will hear songs from different bands each day reminiscing my childhood while doing my work. 

And one day, I youtube-d Boyzone. Omaigod. Love them soooooo much. Love every songs they made. Love everything. I remembered listening to them with my eldest sis. I can still hum to their first song. Aww, feels like a kid again.

Anyway, their last song with Stephen Gately (he died at the age of 33), is Gave It All Away. That's one hell of a song. Nak nanges dgr, sumpah!

Yay!!!!Dapat dah tangkap nyamuk sekor ni. Klu x, sure mnggaru mlm ni.... Okay, kuar topik jap.

Sambung... You can never get their kinda song now. Now, you get a lot of "baby, baby, baby..oh"

Tapi kan, what I object is the number of viewers they get.. Come on, their songs are way much better than that JustinB dick!

Ok, younger people don't get me. Fine! (Nak merajuk!!)

P.S: I introduced 'No Matter What' to her while teasing her that she looks like Stephen Gately and that she might end up marrying him though he's gay. And a couple of years later, Steo (his nickname) died. And I was next to her when reading the news. We were in the lecture hall for Encik Ahmad?'s class. We were both shocked and the rest is history. She/Dia; I don't think need mentioning.

Saya Banyak Masa =D

 I think this is gonna b a long entry. So, for those who actually read my blog and do not like long entries, you can do other better things. =)

There are some songs when you listen to them, you'll remember places/times you heard the songs the most. Am I making sense? Haha.. Let me put it as simple as possible. Certain songs will quickly remind me of the time I first heard them. Still not clear? Never mind. Sometimes I confuses myself too. 

For example:

- Miley Cyrus' 'See You Again' reminds me of driving around Penang when I first got my momma's car. I was new to driving and my friends urged me to drive. I was scared to death and they were having the time of their lives, laughing and enjoying the cool night's air with this song blaring on the radio. Gosh, I was scared and I can still feel the feeling. My friends' lives were actually on danger then. Hahaha.

- BSB's 'Quit Playing Games With My Heart' reminds me when I was 9. Singing annoyingly in the dark classroom. Listening to this song now never fail to make me smile and sometimes sad, thinking that I am not that 9 year old self anymore.

 

- Green Day's 'Wake Me Up When September Ends' will immediately reminds me of walking from Prangin to IPG. Sam was there protecting us. Those were the days.

 

- Britney's 'Someday' reminds me of staying at my room at Blok Jambu, the last room and watching the vid in awe (Brit Brit had been staying low then, so when the vid came out, I was estatic).

 

- Oh, I have to share this. There was a phase in my life where I drool over Saif Ali Khan ( I still do, though not that obsessive anymore) that I bought all DVDs with Saif Ali Khan as one of the characters. I watched Kal Ho Naa Ho. Shah Rukh Khan is the main character. I know Shah Rukh Khan's won't affect me at all because it is Saif that is the reason I decided to watch. How wrong. The movie's so sad that I swear if I there's no subtitles, I would still cry

See? Get what I am talking? There are recent songs that better suited to be listened to on highways. Titanium by David Guetta and Eyes Open by Taylor Swift. Am I weird?

 

There were so many more and they bring memories. memories that hurt now cause I realize I'm getting old. Enough with it already!

 

Ok peeps. I love YOU! Yes YOU who managed to read through this entry =)

True Confessions

It seems a while ago that I have many things to say. But now that I am typing, I'm lost in thoughts.

I have been showing I'm happy and tough when all I am inside is such a wreck, scared, coward girl.

I'm seriously scared. I thought I have friends but I actually don't. My definition of friends is people that I can instantly pick up the phone and call just to complain how sucks my day went.

Now that I'm working, I am all alone. I know I don't have much to complain at school because I have adorable kids and the teachers are not that bitchy. I have been through worst that I was almost feel like losing in life. When I was studying, I saw many types of people that constantly put me down. To the lowest of lows. I always wondered back then, why am I being put in such tests? What did I do wrong? Even when I am typing this, I can still feel the hurt. I feel like crying now. People can really give scars to me. But I realized that all the tests makes me such a strong person now. So strong, that I don't experience the so-called shitty working life with shitty working colleagues. Alhamdulillah. I am so thankful. Subhanallah. Allah is so great!!!

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment though. I feel so lost. I want friends. I gave everything to people just to make them appreciate me as a friend. Oh God, why is this feeling happening to me? I'm not a teenager to be thinking of friends. I am an adult.

And now that I realized that I shouldn't be thinking of my 'friends' because I am an adult, I am starting to think like an adult. Where we begin to think of our life partners. I don't usually think like this but I am starting to think of my future husband. Yes, I love to flirts and look at beautiful guys. But I want my own Ustaz Don. A guy I can call a husband. A guy I can come back home to after work and feel instantly good. A guy that talks like Ustaz Don. A guy that reminds me of Allah, Rasulullah and Islam in such a soft way. I have had enough of people putting me down with orders and harsh words or those 'perli' words. But Ustaz Don is not for me. Even if he's available, he won't want me. I'm not a good person. But I still want a guy like him so that I can change and become a better person.

I want to tell him my problems. I want to just be next to him and smell him. I want to look forward to seeing him and listening to him after work.

I'm scared. I'm sad. I don't even know what's happening to me.

I'm tired. I'm sleepy. I have problems and I don't know who can help me.

In conclusion: I don't have friends that I can laugh with. I don't have a guy that can always advice me and make me feel at ease. And yet, I still have a mountain of problems!!!

Ya Allah, give me great things. Things that I love and can handle. Things that make me feel worthy.