Chocolates & Peanuts: What a night

I am entitled to be depressed – Sharifah Bazilah

So, last night is maybe the most depressed of all. Yesterday, I went out at 5.30 pm to buy food to break my fast. Too early eh? Yes, people that I love always remind me not to go out at night (and I seldom follow).

I was hungry and I saw lots of chocolate and they remind me of my mama. When I am with her, she always buys me chocolates. Always. So, looking at the chocolates made me depressed. Yup, I immediately remember mama. I didn’t feel like eating them but I wanted them coz i miss my time with mama. In the end, I didn’t buy anything. I left although I can almost hear them crying out for me. And because I felt like I have left a part of mama there.

Mama, I miss u so much.

Alone in the house made me even more depressed. And I remembered my friends who have gone back to their house. I know that once they are back here, they’ll be all cheerful and geared up to talk endlessly about anything. I remember the feeling. I have once felt the same. The feeling comes from the happiness gained from the humble abode. I don’t know why but give me thousands of problems and they'll all disappear once I reach home (and you don’t need a 3.5 million dollar house for that).

I remember the journey to Kampung Tanjung Rimau Luar (no lies in the name yo’ all) in Alor Gajah (they really do love animals, Rimau, Gajah wth?). All the exhaustion and all the frustration from studying (and people’s bitchy attitudes) gone in a blink of an eye once I see her. Puan Anora bt Abdullah. I don’t know, but although she didn’t speak anything, just her smile and her presence made me energized.

I remember waking up on weekdays to see her preparing to go to work (leaving her scent to accompany me during the day) and on weekends where I’d know that she’d be in the kitchen. And lazy me would ‘strut my stuff’ (yeah rite), to the kitchen and whine and complain about her leaving me alone in the room. Satisfied with the 'job' I’ve done, I’d walked back to my bedroom and continue sleeping till she wakes me up to strengthened the bed. I would always make her wait five minutes (though she wouldn’t listen) until I gave up. I would always say that there’s no point to be doing the bed because I would be using it again in the night and she would always reply in her own way (it is difficult to be described but oh how I miss her reply and just the person she is).

I remember that in the evening she would always tend the garden though I would always ask her to stop and accompany me in the house. The garden is so much beautiful and relaxing when she’s there. And sometimes we would go to Tampin (just the two of us) and ‘shop’ at Tampin shopping (it is not a mall, okay). It’s just that the little things she’d do made so much impact in my life. I need her so much and I long for her. I want to be a kid and feel relaxed and the feeling is always achieved when I am with her. The smell of the house and the kampong surrounding, the clean sheets along with her presence make all the stress of being a student disappear (I am, after all in my 20s right?).

Oh, back to last night. I was so depressed (maybe it’s near to that time of month). My handphone was so sunyi that I kept looking at it and decided to send mama a message (this is the most desperate I have texted her because I don’t want her to be worried bout me)

“Ma, Bazilah sunyi..”

Nanoseconds later,

Kring kring…

Adik, sori. Mama sibuk. Mama baru balik dari meeting kt Chicago

<dlm hati aku…pfftt..she was in Chicago n I’m in Gelugor>.

Adik bt apa?

Xbt pe. I miss u

I miss u too

Bazilah sunyi

Adik g sembahyang, bca quran

Dh. Bazilah nk mama teman

Yela, mama teman la ni.

Adik, mama dh smpai embassy ni. I call u later k?

Ok la <bt nada sedih sikit>

I miss u baby, darling, syg, honey <dgn sgt cepatnya>

Klik.

Adoyai. I’m back alone again. I was so depressed and alone that I decided to sleep at 9.30

I am mentally tired. I do. I have been studying for the whole semester and the end-of-sem break is shortened and there’ll be no mama to be waiting for me at the bas station. No mama to be just there for me. So, I’m starting the next sem with some of the frustration left of this sem. Waa…

My brain shuts down. I am mentally tired. I need a freakin good rest!

However, today is a much better day. Mama called and we talked for hours like usual and I’m in a better mood. Yay!