Mãe : Portuguese for 'mother'

Happy 17^th Ramadhan.

It is very sad that after three long years of not having Mama at home around six o’clock every week days, I have to experience it again today, tomorrow and maybe the day after tomorrow too.

See, my grandma or I called her Mak loves her home so much, she has been complaining to stay there since she moved in with my aunt (Ibu) in KL. However, no one wants to stay kampong anymore. The place is dangerous (coz of the courageous thieves stealing in broad daylight) and because of Mak’s children living someplace else.

So, now, she got this opportunity to stay at kampong with the condition that a neigbour’s daughter stays with her too. Turns out, the daughter is sick and being the obedient daughter I am, I have to stay with Mak at Mama’s request. Not that I’m complaining because Mak’s has been cooking for me since I was Form 4. It is just that Mama has just arrived here in Malaysia that every single seconds with her is precious. I want to be with her, do girl talkin with her and just be there for her.

The person wearing the red coat is not me. She's Mama's friend. They were in Chicago here. I heart this picture coz my Mama looked happy and young.

With her friend and the friend's husband.

It is very sad really, to look at the gate expecting her to come home from work but know she wouldn’t. I miss her terribly already.

Mak’s great. She cooks excellent food but Mama has been taking care of me since I was a baby. She could have just left me somewhere after giving birth to me but she spent all her time and her energy to tend to me.

Now, I can see and feel that she’s getting old. I could not just leave her could I? I get tired easily doing chores and I cannot imagine the life she’s been dealing with since she became a mother where she handled everything on her own. Even when we (me and my sisters) became older, she did everything herself (explaining why I am just a spoiled brat and that I don’t know how to do a single thing).

But I am coping now. I do things for her and even drive her to places (I couldn’t imagine for the life of me then that I’ll be driving, much less be driving my mum). Though I have to admit, driving her is scary and can be a battle. Why? Because she thinks I am still her baby girl who is not capable of driving. How sweet of you, Mama tapi kecut sistem peranakan Bazilah bila drive sebelah Mama okay.. Hehe.

Back to track, I miss Mama. Is it too much? Manja? I don’t think so. I love Mama and I have not been by her side for the last three years and now I have to part with her again? Who cares if it is only for a few days. She is still the person who has taken care of me excellently since I was born and I would want to repay that back even if I know it will never be enough.

p.s: I didn’t bother to check the grammar.

p.s2: ikut cakap mak kita dan semuanya akan okay! I love you Mama.

Menangis Lagi :'(

Siapa nak kesat air mata ni bila dia menitik?
Siapa nak dengar masalah ni bila semua orang xsanggup dengar?
Siapa nak ada kat sebelah bila ada ramai orang tapi waktu tu la terasa paling sunyi?
Siapa yang sanggup terima semua keburukkan diri ni bila semua xsanggup terima diri ni?
Siapa nak bekukan air yang keluar dari mata ni? Dia xnak berenti keluarla! 


Ma, you never told me that the world is so cruel

Mama Anora, cepatlah balik ye?
Bazilah nak Mama ada sebelah Bazilah
Bazilah nak Mama terima je kelemahan diri Bazilah ni
Bazilah nak tido bawah ketiak Mama
Bazilah nak kacau Mama bila Mama tengok berita pukul 8 malam
Bazilah nak nanges depan Mama n Mama kata hidung Bazilah kemek bila nanges
Bazilah nak Mama ada je untuk Bazilah biarpun Bazilah teruk macam mana pun
Bazilah nak Mama panaskan tangan Bazilah yang sejuk
Bazilah nak Mama sejukkan tangan Bazilah yang panas
Semua tu perlukan tangan Mama je. Cepatlah balik Ma.


Cepatlah balik Mama..
Bazilah sorang2 ni
Bazilah tak kuat nak hadapi semua ni sorang2.
Cepatlah balik Ma, please!


I love u, mummy

What a night

I am entitled to be depressed – Sharifah Bazilah

So, last night is maybe the most depressed of all. Yesterday, I went out at 5.30 pm to buy food to break my fast. Too early eh? Yes, people that I love always remind me not to go out at night (and I seldom follow).

I was hungry and I saw lots of chocolate and they remind me of my mama. When I am with her, she always buys me chocolates. Always.  So, looking at the chocolates made me depressed. Yup, I immediately remember mama. I didn’t feel like eating them but I wanted them coz i miss my time with mama. In the end, I didn’t buy anything. I left although I can almost hear them crying out for me. And because I felt like I have left a part of mama there.

Mama, I miss u so much.

Alone in the house made me even more depressed. And I remembered my friends who have gone back to their house. I know that once they are back here, they’ll be all cheerful and geared up to talk endlessly about anything. I remember the feeling. I have once felt the same. The feeling comes from the happiness gained from the humble abode. I don’t know why but give me thousands of problems and they'll all disappear once I reach home (and you don’t need a 3.5 million dollar house for that).

I remember the journey to Kampung Tanjung Rimau Luar (no lies in the name yo’ all) in Alor Gajah (they really do love animals, Rimau, Gajah wth?). All the exhaustion and all the frustration from studying (and people’s bitchy attitudes) gone in a blink of an eye once I see her. Puan Anora bt Abdullah. I don’t know, but although she didn’t speak anything, just her smile and her presence made me energized. 

I remember waking up on weekdays to see her preparing to go to work (leaving her scent to accompany me during the day) and on weekends where I’d know that she’d be in the kitchen. And lazy me would ‘strut my stuff’ (yeah rite), to the kitchen and whine and complain about her leaving me alone in the room. Satisfied with the 'job' I’ve done, I’d walked back to my bedroom and continue sleeping till she wakes me up to strengthened the bed. I would always make her wait five minutes (though she wouldn’t listen) until I gave up. I would always say that there’s no point to be doing the bed because I would be using it again in the night and she would always reply in her own way (it is difficult to be described but oh how I miss her reply and just the person she is).

I remember that in the evening she would always tend the garden though I would always ask her to stop and accompany me in the house. The garden is so much beautiful and relaxing when she’s there. And sometimes we would go to Tampin (just the two of us) and ‘shop’ at Tampin shopping (it is not a mall, okay). It’s just that the little things she’d do made so much impact in my life. I need her so much and I long for her. I want to be a kid and feel relaxed and the feeling is always achieved when I am with her. The smell of the house and the kampong surrounding, the clean sheets along with her presence make all the stress of being a student disappear (I am, after all in my 20s right?). 

Oh, back to last night. I was so depressed (maybe it’s near to that time of month). My handphone was so sunyi that I kept looking at it and decided to send mama a message (this is the most desperate I have texted her because I don’t want her to be worried bout me)

“Ma, Bazilah sunyi..”

Nanoseconds later,

Kring kring…

Adik, sori. Mama sibuk. Mama baru balik dari meeting kt Chicago

<dlm hati aku…pfftt..she was in Chicago n I’m in Gelugor>.

Adik bt apa?

Xbt pe. I miss u

I miss u too

Bazilah sunyi

Adik g sembahyang, bca quran

Dh. Bazilah nk mama teman

Yela, mama teman la ni.

Adik, mama dh smpai embassy ni. I call u later k?

Ok la <bt nada sedih sikit>

I miss u baby, darling, syg, honey <dgn sgt cepatnya>

Klik.

Adoyai. I’m back alone again. I was so depressed and alone that I decided to sleep at 9.30

I am mentally tired. I do. I have been studying for the whole semester and the end-of-sem break is shortened and there’ll be no mama to be waiting for me at the bas station. No mama to be just there for me. So, I’m starting the next sem with some of the frustration left of this sem. Waa…

My brain shuts down. I am mentally tired. I need a freakin good rest!

However, today is a much better day. Mama called and we talked for hours like usual and I’m in a better mood. Yay!

G mandi pagi raya

Jap g la. Mandi tgh hari trus

Tu bukan mandi pagi raya dh tu. Tu mandi tgh hari raya

:p