Yanie aka Ilya Alias

I have been meaning to write a post about Yanie for a while now. When I was in Penang, doing the KISSM thingy, I stayed at Yanie’s room. She’s a junior and is close to Kak Farah. I have known her before but staying in the same room with her makes me get to know her more. Okay, I respect Yanie in that she is an author with 5 or 6 published books under the pen name, Ilya Alias. And she is my age; 23, for God’s sake. She is tall and I felt comfortable talking to her coz she’s young, she’s hip and she’s so much fun to be around with. And the fact that she’s taller than any of my girlfriends (though not quite my height) makes it even more welcoming. She thinks just like me and all the other itsy bitsy similarities amazes me. Maybe this is what twins feels like. With Kak Farah around, it makes it even more real. Ya know, Kak Farah is like the older sister, always the ‘sopan santun’ one and the following rules type and here we are laughing at things we feel funny at and sharing things like we are teenagers. But one thing that I feel she’s different from me is that she said and I quote in English ‘lying is as easy as writing’. Yeah, writing is kinda easy but for me lying is damn hard. I am naïve. That I have to admit. I must have look like a fool when I lie or I get busted too easily.

This is her latest book (OMG right?)

There is this one time when we talked and she was sewing her ‘baju kurung’ (did I mention she’s talented in sewing too?), she said that she was bored and didn’t know what to do. With so much enthusiasm, I asked that it can’t be too boring since she is a writer (OMG, imagine I’m a fuckin writer). She said she’s kinda bored with it after some time. I was listening to her as if she’s Britney (not quite la). Coz seriously, I respect what she does. I have been wanting to be a writer since I was small (though I have to admit my grammar sucks big time and I always messed up my own native language). I have not any idea being a writer, how’s life as a writer and what not. It is amazing to be living with a writer and listening to one.

These are hers. I found the picture in the Internet

She keeps diaries too but she’s one that when she has achieved her dreams, she burns the diary. And she’s afraid someone read them. Yes, I kept diaries too and I’m afraid people read them too but I don’t burn them. The things I write are too personal. They reflect the real me. I might just die than people reading them. I write about being me and my crushes throughout my life and love and love lost, friendship etc2.

Anyway, that’s what I have to say for now. Excuse the ‘f’ word. I just can’t help it.

Alor Gajah to Muar ya'll! :)

10.23 PM July 10^th: I have just arrived at my new home in Muar. So, I was so excited to be normal coz I get my own room and my own 'almari' and everything. That was when I formed sentences in my head. It has always happened like that. I would be having ideas to talk about (in written form) but when I finally have settled, I would totally forgot or just plain lazy to write. Sentences are always running in my mind when I am happy, excited, sad and angry but then, I don’t carry around laptop all day long so the sentences would start to fade away once the excitement wears off.

This time now I have managed to force my lazy ass to write about what had happened today. I have been living in my grandma’s house for more than 9 years now (I cannot believe it’s been such a long time now) that I don’t get my own room and my own bed. 1 family for 1 room. So there it goes. Today, for a very long time; after spreading some ‘FEMME FATALE’ love from Alor Gajah to Muar, I got to have my own fuckin room. It tastes freedom. I get to jump and sing. OMG, I have been missing my teenage years. So what if I’ll be living for 10 months the longest here as the house is only rented. Mama’s goin to find her one and only dream house in the near future (excluding her house in Perlis and one in Putrajaya). I love this house though but it’s my humble abode for only awhile coz mama’s not goin to work here forever.

And she gave me a tumbler with very cute sewn clothes written #1 TEACHER. How cute is that? Everything seems okay for now. I’m freakin happy. I cannot wait to enjoy being in my own space.

Goodnight for now. I am just so tired today being happy. I need to give my crazy mind a rest. It can go crazy again tomorrow.

 Can’t wait to say good morning to tomorrow. Love ya mama. I adore you and you’re such a lovely mum, FYI.

Penang, I'm comin'

In 2 days, I'll be in Penang (my freedom land). 

I miss the place so much but it's goin to be a bit different this time. I won't be bringing my car now coz my mom won't let me drive that 'far' (Melaka to Penang).

It means that when I have the shittiest day, I won't be able to run to my car and drive to wherever I want to; alone, feeling the wind brushing against my cheek.

It means that I don't get to sit in front of any ocean I chose to (Penang has many oceans apparently. Ya know, those with children playing and horse riding and etc2 and those with mouse playing hide and seek in between the rocks).

It means that I don't get to drive to the rich part of the city and smell the wonderful smell of coffee (And coffee always makes me think of innocence and freedom).

It means that I don't get to sing along on top of my lung to Britney's songs and tapping my fingers against the steering and dancing, putting mine and others' lives in danger. 

Maybe I can walk now or maybe I'll rent a car whenever I feel like it.

Let's just see what happens to the country when I don't have a car.. Haha.. (Sarcastic. okay?).

P.S: I don't know why I have to italicized this post. I am such a DORK!

Password: BAZILAH

Okay, I just found out that someone uses my name as his password for something (not too detail, Sharifah).

And he is not my boyfriend for God's sake!

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shouldn't be that big a deal, right? WRONG! It's such a big fucking deal.

I'm freakin flattered man. Seriously? Awww.... So sweet. Please let it be that way.. Hahaha.. I'm so in cloud 9

And here I thought I'm nobody to anybody..Hehe. I guess I am somebody to somebody :)

I Think I'm Ready

I made a point to write something after finishing the first KISSM assignment but till now I still don't manage to write anything. So I guess this lyrics is enough for now. Here is Katy Perry: I Think I'm Ready

I'm used to opening my own doors and splitting the checks
He introduced me, was always just a friend
I bought a new dress, he never noticed
Always falling for these bad boys, such a challenge
I'm getting tired, of cleaning up after them [who am I kidding? my exes were boring, I swear I slept walking while being with them]
I think I'm ready to be a woman

Oh love, I think I'm ready
Ready for it

You were such a surprise
An unexpected gift
Said I was pretty, and I believed it
Not really used to all this attention
Told myself I don't deserve you
And this is just a phase
Could I get used to, being loved the right way?
I wanna argue, but there is nothing to say

Oh love, I think I'm ready
Ready for it
Ready for it
Oh love, I think I'm ready

Cuz you send me flowers, when there's no occasion
Yeah we talk for hours, you still wanna listen
Won't hold it against me if I just need you to hold me tonight
My mother always told me that you'd show up one day
So scared to feel this way but love, I think I'm ready
Ready for it
Ready for it
Oh love, I think I'm ready
Ready for it
Ready for it
Oh love, I think I'm ready 

There...the lyrics that describe you..Yes, you know who you are babe..

Tak Lama Lagi

New entries and layout coming soon...

Cehhh..bajet Britney.. (Poyo la ko)

Sila kuat Bazilah

I am not supposed to write. I am supposed to do lesson plans but screw myself.  There are many issues I want to write. I may not be able to write after this one because of these endless lesson plans (they’re killing me).

I am always different from my sisters. I’m super dark and they’re fair. They are adored during primary schools and get good grades. I was always compared to them when I was in primary school. Not that I mind. I like being different. 

I am not a good friend and I moved to places when I was young. So, mind you, my longest friendship I’ve been into is 6 years. I always disagree with people. I make enemies all over the place. But seriously, I don’t do that intentionally. I just think too differently than people around me. And misunderstandings led to people thinking I’m a psychopath who loves to look for enemies. I am not. Sometimes, I have the truest and most sincere motives but manipulation occurs leaving me thinking what have I done wrong. I always believe that I want to be friends for the sake of being friends but I guess I’m too naive. Bila nk kiamat ni, menipu akan jadi perkara biasa dan tidak akn mnjadi isu besar. 

And the things I’ve said and thought about being down and super low is bullshit. Now, seriously I know how really low means. When you see things but you cannot feel anything. You see things but you feel like you’re seeing them from another body. It’s when you don’t feel your own fingers. It’s when you feel like rejected every waking hours of the day. It’s when you feel like sleeping is the only remedy that puts you back into normality. 

Seriously, I feel like a dog trapped in a shit hole. People see me but they cannot/refuse/just plain disgusted to help me. But I am still a living thing. I am trapped real bad and I don’t have a way out. The shits are drowning me. The people just stand there looking. They may start laughing anytime soon. I am begging. I am pleading. I am bleeding. I keep on begging but nobody wants to help.

Now, I know how to appreciate the smallest things in my life that I used to take for granted then. Rice. The sweet taste of plain rice. The preciousness of water. The life I had back then. But I can only reminisce and look at people’s true colour. 

TAKE NOTE: YOU DON’T HAVE ANY IDEA BEING IN MY SHOES NOW. DON’T EVER SAY THAT YOU ARE NOT CONTENT WITH YOUR LIFE. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE BLESSED WITH. DON’T EVER SAY THAT YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED HARDSHIP AND BETRAYAL THAT YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL.

Talking about betrayal. Hey, betrayal do taste bad. You would have known that. But time makes you ignorant huh? You know what, I don’t want to be like you. Trust me, I just hope for the best of you in the future. I don’t want anyone to ever feel being in my shoes now. It sucks big time. Oh, I am perfectly fine drowning in my own tears and tasting blood from my chapped lips. I have never thought that these things mean so much to me. You should try once. It feels so pure and I don’t have to feel competitive and being the best in everything.

Thank you to the almighty that I realized how I shouldn’t be complaining too much then. How I was perfect and how He has now given the biggest lesson of my life.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, speaking of thank you, thank you so much Shuji. You are such a nice person. We’ve met for a short period of time and have never ever met again then and you would still hold my hands and help me out from this dark place I’ve put myself into. I know you read my blog and I read yours too. They’re funny and you do have your perspectives that can be considered brave? (I cannot think of any other adjectives at the moment).

And Natrah. I don’t have to tell anything and you would just say that you’d help me. You are a true sister. You don’t judge me and you comfort me saying how you would just know how it feels to be me. I was touched. Seriously. And you are the friend I met for less than a year. I know that if I am in front of you telling my story, I would just hug you and cry. (I don’t do that normally because I always feel people would feel uneasy but seeing you accepting me, I am not ashamed to do that).

Low ya, thank you for being sweet. I have never guess that all the jokes and all the ‘kutuk’-ing makes me realize you are the true friend indeed. Hei low ya, I still keep the message “it’s ok, we are friends low ya”. That is super sweet. 

Ahlam, thanks for being the few people I respect. You don’t talk much like other people and you don’t go and sibuk hal org. You just do your own thing. But the few things that you said are all meaningful and helps comfort me. I must say that abe is really lucky.

B: Sedih.

J: Senang je. Bila B dh kaya nnt, B beli mangosteen bnyk2, letak dlm bonet kete, bg kt diorg. Pas2 B kata "Ni utk korg. Saya nk dgr korg ketawa mcm dulu je. Ambik la.”

B: Thanx J. Pedas btul klu kena.

J: Xdela. Kesian kt B. Bila B senang, sume ketawa dgn B. Bila B nanges, xde spe pun tman B.