Penang, I'm comin'

In 2 days, I'll be in Penang (my freedom land). 

I miss the place so much but it's goin to be a bit different this time. I won't be bringing my car now coz my mom won't let me drive that 'far' (Melaka to Penang).

It means that when I have the shittiest day, I won't be able to run to my car and drive to wherever I want to; alone, feeling the wind brushing against my cheek.

It means that I don't get to sit in front of any ocean I chose to (Penang has many oceans apparently. Ya know, those with children playing and horse riding and etc2 and those with mouse playing hide and seek in between the rocks).

It means that I don't get to drive to the rich part of the city and smell the wonderful smell of coffee (And coffee always makes me think of innocence and freedom).

It means that I don't get to sing along on top of my lung to Britney's songs and tapping my fingers against the steering and dancing, putting mine and others' lives in danger. 

Maybe I can walk now or maybe I'll rent a car whenever I feel like it.

Let's just see what happens to the country when I don't have a car.. Haha.. (Sarcastic. okay?).

P.S: I don't know why I have to italicized this post. I am such a DORK!

Password: BAZILAH

Okay, I just found out that someone uses my name as his password for something (not too detail, Sharifah).

And he is not my boyfriend for God's sake!

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shouldn't be that big a deal, right? WRONG! It's such a big fucking deal.

I'm freakin flattered man. Seriously? Awww.... So sweet. Please let it be that way.. Hahaha.. I'm so in cloud 9

And here I thought I'm nobody to anybody..Hehe. I guess I am somebody to somebody :)

I Think I'm Ready

I made a point to write something after finishing the first KISSM assignment but till now I still don't manage to write anything. So I guess this lyrics is enough for now. Here is Katy Perry: I Think I'm Ready

I'm used to opening my own doors and splitting the checks
He introduced me, was always just a friend
I bought a new dress, he never noticed
Always falling for these bad boys, such a challenge
I'm getting tired, of cleaning up after them [who am I kidding? my exes were boring, I swear I slept walking while being with them]
I think I'm ready to be a woman

Oh love, I think I'm ready
Ready for it

You were such a surprise
An unexpected gift
Said I was pretty, and I believed it
Not really used to all this attention
Told myself I don't deserve you
And this is just a phase
Could I get used to, being loved the right way?
I wanna argue, but there is nothing to say

Oh love, I think I'm ready
Ready for it
Ready for it
Oh love, I think I'm ready

Cuz you send me flowers, when there's no occasion
Yeah we talk for hours, you still wanna listen
Won't hold it against me if I just need you to hold me tonight
My mother always told me that you'd show up one day
So scared to feel this way but love, I think I'm ready
Ready for it
Ready for it
Oh love, I think I'm ready
Ready for it
Ready for it
Oh love, I think I'm ready 

There...the lyrics that describe you..Yes, you know who you are babe..

Tak Lama Lagi

New entries and layout coming soon...

Cehhh..bajet Britney.. (Poyo la ko)

Sila kuat Bazilah

I am not supposed to write. I am supposed to do lesson plans but screw myself.  There are many issues I want to write. I may not be able to write after this one because of these endless lesson plans (they’re killing me).

I am always different from my sisters. I’m super dark and they’re fair. They are adored during primary schools and get good grades. I was always compared to them when I was in primary school. Not that I mind. I like being different. 

I am not a good friend and I moved to places when I was young. So, mind you, my longest friendship I’ve been into is 6 years. I always disagree with people. I make enemies all over the place. But seriously, I don’t do that intentionally. I just think too differently than people around me. And misunderstandings led to people thinking I’m a psychopath who loves to look for enemies. I am not. Sometimes, I have the truest and most sincere motives but manipulation occurs leaving me thinking what have I done wrong. I always believe that I want to be friends for the sake of being friends but I guess I’m too naive. Bila nk kiamat ni, menipu akan jadi perkara biasa dan tidak akn mnjadi isu besar. 

And the things I’ve said and thought about being down and super low is bullshit. Now, seriously I know how really low means. When you see things but you cannot feel anything. You see things but you feel like you’re seeing them from another body. It’s when you don’t feel your own fingers. It’s when you feel like rejected every waking hours of the day. It’s when you feel like sleeping is the only remedy that puts you back into normality. 

Seriously, I feel like a dog trapped in a shit hole. People see me but they cannot/refuse/just plain disgusted to help me. But I am still a living thing. I am trapped real bad and I don’t have a way out. The shits are drowning me. The people just stand there looking. They may start laughing anytime soon. I am begging. I am pleading. I am bleeding. I keep on begging but nobody wants to help.

Now, I know how to appreciate the smallest things in my life that I used to take for granted then. Rice. The sweet taste of plain rice. The preciousness of water. The life I had back then. But I can only reminisce and look at people’s true colour. 

TAKE NOTE: YOU DON’T HAVE ANY IDEA BEING IN MY SHOES NOW. DON’T EVER SAY THAT YOU ARE NOT CONTENT WITH YOUR LIFE. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE BLESSED WITH. DON’T EVER SAY THAT YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED HARDSHIP AND BETRAYAL THAT YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL.

Talking about betrayal. Hey, betrayal do taste bad. You would have known that. But time makes you ignorant huh? You know what, I don’t want to be like you. Trust me, I just hope for the best of you in the future. I don’t want anyone to ever feel being in my shoes now. It sucks big time. Oh, I am perfectly fine drowning in my own tears and tasting blood from my chapped lips. I have never thought that these things mean so much to me. You should try once. It feels so pure and I don’t have to feel competitive and being the best in everything.

Thank you to the almighty that I realized how I shouldn’t be complaining too much then. How I was perfect and how He has now given the biggest lesson of my life.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, speaking of thank you, thank you so much Shuji. You are such a nice person. We’ve met for a short period of time and have never ever met again then and you would still hold my hands and help me out from this dark place I’ve put myself into. I know you read my blog and I read yours too. They’re funny and you do have your perspectives that can be considered brave? (I cannot think of any other adjectives at the moment).

And Natrah. I don’t have to tell anything and you would just say that you’d help me. You are a true sister. You don’t judge me and you comfort me saying how you would just know how it feels to be me. I was touched. Seriously. And you are the friend I met for less than a year. I know that if I am in front of you telling my story, I would just hug you and cry. (I don’t do that normally because I always feel people would feel uneasy but seeing you accepting me, I am not ashamed to do that).

Low ya, thank you for being sweet. I have never guess that all the jokes and all the ‘kutuk’-ing makes me realize you are the true friend indeed. Hei low ya, I still keep the message “it’s ok, we are friends low ya”. That is super sweet. 

Ahlam, thanks for being the few people I respect. You don’t talk much like other people and you don’t go and sibuk hal org. You just do your own thing. But the few things that you said are all meaningful and helps comfort me. I must say that abe is really lucky.

B: Sedih.

J: Senang je. Bila B dh kaya nnt, B beli mangosteen bnyk2, letak dlm bonet kete, bg kt diorg. Pas2 B kata "Ni utk korg. Saya nk dgr korg ketawa mcm dulu je. Ambik la.”

B: Thanx J. Pedas btul klu kena.

J: Xdela. Kesian kt B. Bila B senang, sume ketawa dgn B. Bila B nanges, xde spe pun tman B.

Bye Bye Bye For Now

I am not Britney Spears who can show who she really is through her actions without worrying what others think of her.

I am Sharifah Bazilah who makes New Year’s resolution to be herself but failed miserably to do just that. I am however brave enough to WRITE my heart out. Therefore, this is my blog and I don’t really care if people criticize me because it is my space. So, feel free to navigate away from this page because I am being myself and I can be really fucked up when I write.

My life now has been a roller-coaster that I have made a decision to stop writing for a while. I think I am going away from writing for a very long time. I’m going to concentrate on my diary. She has been abandoned for months now and I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry dear diary. And for those who have read my posts, I thank you so much. I know I am an adult now but I feel like a child. Please pray for me. I am a big time mess.

Dear John

I watched Dear John on one of my trips to see my mom. The movie is nice (the lovey-dovey kind) but has a sad/unexpected ending. I always feel that stories with sad endings attract me the most and I’ll be haunted by them for years (like Wuthering Heights- it is so dark). So, here is the synopsis:

Actually, I feel like doing my own version of Dear John. (I feel like changing the name of the girl too. Sierra is the name- ala ala pnyanyi la konon). And it happens in Paraguay where they speak…………………….hmm…………………whatever language Paraguayan speak. English is used here to translate their language.

“Hi, can I talk to Sierra?”

“Who’s this?”

“This is JOHN”

“Yeah right you’re JOHN. I’m a man”

“Then I’m gay”

See here, Sierra cannot believe herself that John called her. Sierra is aware that John has his own line of girls that go crazy over him.

“He always sleeps alone in his room. His roommate always sleeps somewhere else”

“Then I should go and teman him sleep. I know his room”

These are some girls’ talk that shows how they have a huge crush on him. Hee..

Sierra sees John and feels that he has some charm that's impossible to ignore. He is handsome.  And (memendekkan crita), they fall in love. John chooses her over the other girls. John is a nice guy; too nice maybe, to his friends and especially to Sierra. They have their time together and Sierra loves him more than anything else. John treats her nicely and Sierra feels that he; besides her family, can really understand who she really is.

“I just want you to know that I really love you”

And being a jerk she is, Sierra shows who she really is. A short-tempered, spoiled girl who knows nothing about taking care of one’s feeling. But they survived through Sierra’s crazy storm of fury and that makes her love John even more. John never knew this and maybe his friends too. They are observers, they are outsiders who easily judge but never care to help.

“If something happens to us, you know, if one day fate found us to be not meant for each other, and then there are  people hurting me, saying mean things to me, would you come and save me, protect me from them?”

“I will always be there for you no matter what”

They survived long enough that John really knows Sierra and Sierra is at a time where she is really tired of being angry.

“Me and my friend discussed about you last night”

“What about me? "

“About my kinda girl”

“What’s your kinda girl?”

“Just like you”

The day is their anniversary. Sierra remembers it too well. She loves him but being a guy that he is, John forgets. Just as he forgets her birthday that year (birthdays are important to girls. Take note). Sierra doesn’t explain it to John but she makes sure that John feels guilty enough by doing the silent treatment. She is just so tired of being angry. She tells John that she wants to have dinner with her best friend and off they go. 

John calls Sierra many times but she doesn’t realize them and he decides to visit her at the restaurant Sierra and her friend are having their dinner. Feeling guilty because he forgets the event of the day, he yelled Sierra in front of everybody. This is the second time Sierra is being yelled. Being a great boyfriend all this while (with all the coaxing, all the sweet words, all the promises), ‘yelling John’ is not something to expect. 

And Sierra does what she always did. Staying silent until John comes and sweet-talk her back. That is always the way it goes. But this time, John doesn’t come back to her. He stays silent too and Sierra began to feel that the relationship is over.

“What if there’s this guy. He wants you and he is perfect. He is rich. He’s handsome. He’s tall. He is everything that a girl could dream of”

That is the time John met another girl. She is so unlike Sierra. John and Darla become friends. Sierra doesn’t know this and she feels guilty that she tries to make amends to John. John treats her nicely but things were different. John never bothers to call her in the morning like he used to or call her back using the public phone if both their cell phones are out of money. 

They meet one day (after he cancels the supposed date and she begs him like hell. Turns out Darla asks him out and he quickly accepts and cancels his date with Sierra) and little did she know that it will be the last time she is going to speak to him. 

He makes his decision that he wants to be with the other girl (my mind is saying to use other nouns but I decided against it) and he left her alone in the rain (really, the real rain. Not her tears).He left her walking alone in the rain that day and that is so unlike him and his words. She cried herself to sleep for years onwards.

<Bila Cinta song versi Paraguay playing in the background>

So here is the (maybe) last letter she manages to write.

Dear John,

I am out of words (as I have been blogging). All I want to say is I am happy for you as you have found your true love. Please take care of her. A girl’s heart is too fragile. They may pretend that they are happy and brave but they long for protection and they need constant reassurance. Yeah, this is just me talking. I know she is the complete opposite of me. She can run hundreds of kilometers whereas I am easily tired walking to the other end of corridor to the toilet when there is no water in the toilet nearby.

I am happy now. Too happy maybe that sometimes I feel insecure (this is the usual psychotic me). I just want to let it all out.

I know I was not a good girlfriend to you. Heck, I don’t think I am now. I am not a good person even. I am not the perfect daughter, the perfect sister or the perfect friend. I am just trying my best to appear perfect though I know I’m wrecked inside. I hope that this letter reaches you because this is my way of apologizing. I love writing and I think I express myself best through my writing. 

Some things are just not meant to be. There’ll be no more of us taking breakfast at a spaghetti restaurant (I just made up that Paraguay is famous for its spaghetti) and you would eat scrambled eggs – my childhood time’s favourite. There’ll be no more of us taking bus together to the mall and we would smell like the public when we got off the bus. There’ll be no more of me laughing at your silliness. There’ll be no more of you to be scolded by me to make me feel better. There’ll be no more of you being there for me when I am at my lowest. And there’ll be no more of YOU and ME.

Take care John.

With regards,

Sierra