Sila kuat Bazilah

I am not supposed to write. I am supposed to do lesson plans but screw myself.  There are many issues I want to write. I may not be able to write after this one because of these endless lesson plans (they’re killing me).

I am always different from my sisters. I’m super dark and they’re fair. They are adored during primary schools and get good grades. I was always compared to them when I was in primary school. Not that I mind. I like being different. 

I am not a good friend and I moved to places when I was young. So, mind you, my longest friendship I’ve been into is 6 years. I always disagree with people. I make enemies all over the place. But seriously, I don’t do that intentionally. I just think too differently than people around me. And misunderstandings led to people thinking I’m a psychopath who loves to look for enemies. I am not. Sometimes, I have the truest and most sincere motives but manipulation occurs leaving me thinking what have I done wrong. I always believe that I want to be friends for the sake of being friends but I guess I’m too naive. Bila nk kiamat ni, menipu akan jadi perkara biasa dan tidak akn mnjadi isu besar. 

And the things I’ve said and thought about being down and super low is bullshit. Now, seriously I know how really low means. When you see things but you cannot feel anything. You see things but you feel like you’re seeing them from another body. It’s when you don’t feel your own fingers. It’s when you feel like rejected every waking hours of the day. It’s when you feel like sleeping is the only remedy that puts you back into normality. 

Seriously, I feel like a dog trapped in a shit hole. People see me but they cannot/refuse/just plain disgusted to help me. But I am still a living thing. I am trapped real bad and I don’t have a way out. The shits are drowning me. The people just stand there looking. They may start laughing anytime soon. I am begging. I am pleading. I am bleeding. I keep on begging but nobody wants to help.

Now, I know how to appreciate the smallest things in my life that I used to take for granted then. Rice. The sweet taste of plain rice. The preciousness of water. The life I had back then. But I can only reminisce and look at people’s true colour. 

TAKE NOTE: YOU DON’T HAVE ANY IDEA BEING IN MY SHOES NOW. DON’T EVER SAY THAT YOU ARE NOT CONTENT WITH YOUR LIFE. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE BLESSED WITH. DON’T EVER SAY THAT YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED HARDSHIP AND BETRAYAL THAT YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL.

Talking about betrayal. Hey, betrayal do taste bad. You would have known that. But time makes you ignorant huh? You know what, I don’t want to be like you. Trust me, I just hope for the best of you in the future. I don’t want anyone to ever feel being in my shoes now. It sucks big time. Oh, I am perfectly fine drowning in my own tears and tasting blood from my chapped lips. I have never thought that these things mean so much to me. You should try once. It feels so pure and I don’t have to feel competitive and being the best in everything.

Thank you to the almighty that I realized how I shouldn’t be complaining too much then. How I was perfect and how He has now given the biggest lesson of my life.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Oh, speaking of thank you, thank you so much Shuji. You are such a nice person. We’ve met for a short period of time and have never ever met again then and you would still hold my hands and help me out from this dark place I’ve put myself into. I know you read my blog and I read yours too. They’re funny and you do have your perspectives that can be considered brave? (I cannot think of any other adjectives at the moment).

And Natrah. I don’t have to tell anything and you would just say that you’d help me. You are a true sister. You don’t judge me and you comfort me saying how you would just know how it feels to be me. I was touched. Seriously. And you are the friend I met for less than a year. I know that if I am in front of you telling my story, I would just hug you and cry. (I don’t do that normally because I always feel people would feel uneasy but seeing you accepting me, I am not ashamed to do that).

Low ya, thank you for being sweet. I have never guess that all the jokes and all the ‘kutuk’-ing makes me realize you are the true friend indeed. Hei low ya, I still keep the message “it’s ok, we are friends low ya”. That is super sweet. 

Ahlam, thanks for being the few people I respect. You don’t talk much like other people and you don’t go and sibuk hal org. You just do your own thing. But the few things that you said are all meaningful and helps comfort me. I must say that abe is really lucky.

B: Sedih.

J: Senang je. Bila B dh kaya nnt, B beli mangosteen bnyk2, letak dlm bonet kete, bg kt diorg. Pas2 B kata "Ni utk korg. Saya nk dgr korg ketawa mcm dulu je. Ambik la.”

B: Thanx J. Pedas btul klu kena.

J: Xdela. Kesian kt B. Bila B senang, sume ketawa dgn B. Bila B nanges, xde spe pun tman B.

Bye Bye Bye For Now

I am not Britney Spears who can show who she really is through her actions without worrying what others think of her.

I am Sharifah Bazilah who makes New Year’s resolution to be herself but failed miserably to do just that. I am however brave enough to WRITE my heart out. Therefore, this is my blog and I don’t really care if people criticize me because it is my space. So, feel free to navigate away from this page because I am being myself and I can be really fucked up when I write.

My life now has been a roller-coaster that I have made a decision to stop writing for a while. I think I am going away from writing for a very long time. I’m going to concentrate on my diary. She has been abandoned for months now and I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry dear diary. And for those who have read my posts, I thank you so much. I know I am an adult now but I feel like a child. Please pray for me. I am a big time mess.

Dear John

I watched Dear John on one of my trips to see my mom. The movie is nice (the lovey-dovey kind) but has a sad/unexpected ending. I always feel that stories with sad endings attract me the most and I’ll be haunted by them for years (like Wuthering Heights- it is so dark). So, here is the synopsis:

Actually, I feel like doing my own version of Dear John. (I feel like changing the name of the girl too. Sierra is the name- ala ala pnyanyi la konon). And it happens in Paraguay where they speak…………………….hmm…………………whatever language Paraguayan speak. English is used here to translate their language.

“Hi, can I talk to Sierra?”

“Who’s this?”

“This is JOHN”

“Yeah right you’re JOHN. I’m a man”

“Then I’m gay”

See here, Sierra cannot believe herself that John called her. Sierra is aware that John has his own line of girls that go crazy over him.

“He always sleeps alone in his room. His roommate always sleeps somewhere else”

“Then I should go and teman him sleep. I know his room”

These are some girls’ talk that shows how they have a huge crush on him. Hee..

Sierra sees John and feels that he has some charm that's impossible to ignore. He is handsome.  And (memendekkan crita), they fall in love. John chooses her over the other girls. John is a nice guy; too nice maybe, to his friends and especially to Sierra. They have their time together and Sierra loves him more than anything else. John treats her nicely and Sierra feels that he; besides her family, can really understand who she really is.

“I just want you to know that I really love you”

And being a jerk she is, Sierra shows who she really is. A short-tempered, spoiled girl who knows nothing about taking care of one’s feeling. But they survived through Sierra’s crazy storm of fury and that makes her love John even more. John never knew this and maybe his friends too. They are observers, they are outsiders who easily judge but never care to help.

“If something happens to us, you know, if one day fate found us to be not meant for each other, and then there are  people hurting me, saying mean things to me, would you come and save me, protect me from them?”

“I will always be there for you no matter what”

They survived long enough that John really knows Sierra and Sierra is at a time where she is really tired of being angry.

“Me and my friend discussed about you last night”

“What about me? "

“About my kinda girl”

“What’s your kinda girl?”

“Just like you”

The day is their anniversary. Sierra remembers it too well. She loves him but being a guy that he is, John forgets. Just as he forgets her birthday that year (birthdays are important to girls. Take note). Sierra doesn’t explain it to John but she makes sure that John feels guilty enough by doing the silent treatment. She is just so tired of being angry. She tells John that she wants to have dinner with her best friend and off they go. 

John calls Sierra many times but she doesn’t realize them and he decides to visit her at the restaurant Sierra and her friend are having their dinner. Feeling guilty because he forgets the event of the day, he yelled Sierra in front of everybody. This is the second time Sierra is being yelled. Being a great boyfriend all this while (with all the coaxing, all the sweet words, all the promises), ‘yelling John’ is not something to expect. 

And Sierra does what she always did. Staying silent until John comes and sweet-talk her back. That is always the way it goes. But this time, John doesn’t come back to her. He stays silent too and Sierra began to feel that the relationship is over.

“What if there’s this guy. He wants you and he is perfect. He is rich. He’s handsome. He’s tall. He is everything that a girl could dream of”

That is the time John met another girl. She is so unlike Sierra. John and Darla become friends. Sierra doesn’t know this and she feels guilty that she tries to make amends to John. John treats her nicely but things were different. John never bothers to call her in the morning like he used to or call her back using the public phone if both their cell phones are out of money. 

They meet one day (after he cancels the supposed date and she begs him like hell. Turns out Darla asks him out and he quickly accepts and cancels his date with Sierra) and little did she know that it will be the last time she is going to speak to him. 

He makes his decision that he wants to be with the other girl (my mind is saying to use other nouns but I decided against it) and he left her alone in the rain (really, the real rain. Not her tears).He left her walking alone in the rain that day and that is so unlike him and his words. She cried herself to sleep for years onwards.

<Bila Cinta song versi Paraguay playing in the background>

So here is the (maybe) last letter she manages to write.

Dear John,

I am out of words (as I have been blogging). All I want to say is I am happy for you as you have found your true love. Please take care of her. A girl’s heart is too fragile. They may pretend that they are happy and brave but they long for protection and they need constant reassurance. Yeah, this is just me talking. I know she is the complete opposite of me. She can run hundreds of kilometers whereas I am easily tired walking to the other end of corridor to the toilet when there is no water in the toilet nearby.

I am happy now. Too happy maybe that sometimes I feel insecure (this is the usual psychotic me). I just want to let it all out.

I know I was not a good girlfriend to you. Heck, I don’t think I am now. I am not a good person even. I am not the perfect daughter, the perfect sister or the perfect friend. I am just trying my best to appear perfect though I know I’m wrecked inside. I hope that this letter reaches you because this is my way of apologizing. I love writing and I think I express myself best through my writing. 

Some things are just not meant to be. There’ll be no more of us taking breakfast at a spaghetti restaurant (I just made up that Paraguay is famous for its spaghetti) and you would eat scrambled eggs – my childhood time’s favourite. There’ll be no more of us taking bus together to the mall and we would smell like the public when we got off the bus. There’ll be no more of me laughing at your silliness. There’ll be no more of you to be scolded by me to make me feel better. There’ll be no more of you being there for me when I am at my lowest. And there’ll be no more of YOU and ME.

Take care John.

With regards,

Sierra

Excuse My Rambling

I used to love studying. I don’t have such drive now. I love Language Description, Language Development and Social Studies. I’d be paying my full attention to Mdm Chiang, Mr. Hussein and Mdm Ong and I’d be all excited to do exercises for LD. Now, every subject is a blur. The words coming out from Cik Siti, Dr. Raini, Mr. Bala, Mdm Ong, and Miss Yeoh are series of unregistered sounds. I’d be looking at them but nothing really happens in my brain. Maybe this is a sign of quitting. 

I can say that I don’t really care but deep down I do care. The reason I don’t quit this six damn years of (non-stop) studying is because of my mum. I study because of her. I love to see her expression when I told her my results. She’d be kissing me and they’re warm on my cheeks. She said comforting words and I know it is worth every seconds of studying agony. However, no matter how hard I try nowadays, I seem to be quitting, flying out into space and just drifting into nothingness.

So, during one of the classes I planned out (not thoroughly) the things I want for my wedding if ever I get married. 

I have always wanted “Stay Together for The Kids” song by Blink 182, no particular reasons for the choosing of the song but I fell in love with it when I listen to it when I was young. I don’t want any “Selamat Pengantin Baru” song. They remind me of the hassle and the warm weather in weddings.

I want to have a black and white theme wedding. No colours. Not silver. Just plain black and white. That would be cool. 

I want a 3D Travis Barker playing drum-cake. I’ve always said to my friends that I want a Britney Spears cake for my birthday. Just a cake with a picture of Britney Spears would be freakin cool enough. For my wedding, I want a 3D cake of Travis Barker playing his drum. It would feel real and I’d be the happiest person in the world. Hehe..

I was thinking of wearing a black wedding dress but I change my decision. It would be so cool if I wear a tux. Man, that would be a dream come true.

I think that is all for now. I don’t really care what my groom would be wearing. He’d be all sexy wearing anything and he’d be mine. :D

p.s: When I was young, going to this one wedding, the bride (a Malay) changes clothes to a saree. My sister quietly whisper to me:

“Kalau adik pkai bju tu msti nampak lagi real”