Wait 4 Me Freedom

I'm goin back to Perlis tomorrow and I fuckin cannot wait for that. To be able to do what I want without having to listen to people telling me to be the person I am not (I am 22, let me be and let me act like a 22-year old can ya?).

I hate KL. Though the traffic is not as bad as Penang (being there for like forever, I just know how hectic Penang is and how greedy the road users can be). Being in KL makes me feel uneasy because it is not my place, not my home and will never be my home.

This is my fuckin holiday and I want to fuckin relax my mind but KL makes everything so out of place. And I am glad to be in Perlis tomorrow (I have never cried or begged to be in KL). Perlis, the place I was born, the place I grow up and play. The state is so small, you feel like you know everyone.

When I am in Perlis, I can eat anything and I don't feel guilty for eating too much. I get to think about myself (haha.. Selfish brat). But hey, that's my prerogative. I have been thinking about everyone else that I neglect myself. Not that I am ungrateful. Thinking about people, looking at them and listening to them made me realize how people can be so selfish themselves. How they think they are always right (and some think they must always be at the center of attention).

And Penang (the island). A place that I find interesting. You can be at a total historical place but at the same time some 'gila happening' place side by side. You can see the old 'apeks' wearing worn-out shorts that you feel like you're living in history textbooks.

And driving alone (having not to worry about others' lives in my car - I am a terrible driver) from Perlis to Penang is so tranquilizing. I get to think and let the wind talk to me. I'll drive with radio on full blast. Singing along to songs without nobody complaining that I look stupid.

And I just heard Paramore's song entitled 'Playing God'. I love the lyrics so much:

Can't make my own decisions or make any with precision
Well, maybe you should tie me up so I don't go where you don't want me
You say that I've been changing, that I'm not just simply aging
Yeah, how could that be logical?
Just keep on cramming ideas down my throat

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

If God's the game that you're playing
Well, we must get more acquainted
Because it has to be so lonely... to be the only one who's holy
It's just my humble opinion, but it's one that I believe in
You don't deserve a point of view, if the only thing you see is you

You don't have to believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

This is the last second chance
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm half as good as it gets
(I'll point you to the mirror)
I'm on both sides of the fence
(I'll point you to the mirror)
Without a hint of regret... I'll hold you to it

I know you don't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

I know you won't believe me
But the way I, way I see it
Next time you point a finger
I might have to bend it back
Or break it, break it off
Next time you point a finger... I'll point you to the mirror

For You My Dear Niece

Nur Nayli Afiqah

She is born on the 3rd of October 2010. I have just met her a couple of days ago and she is so adorable. However, I cannot touch or be near her because I am really really sick.I can only watch her from afar.

Nayli, if you ever read this in the future, I just want to tell you, you are a cute adorable little thing. I love you so much and while writing this, I have a tendency to go out at you and pinch your cheeks.

So, you're Granny's first grandchild and your Mama said Granny won't love me as much now because she'll be loving you but heck, you're my first niece (and that makes me an aunt, alamak). So, nevermind. you're still cute with adorable clothes and cute stockings.

Hey Nayli, during this time, you just realized that you have legs and though you kept forgetting that you have hands, that's okay coz handling you realizing you have legs is tiresome to your Mama. You'd be kicking the hanging toys in your crib and that's so cute. You would also looking at bright toys with amazement and that is so funny. When my world seems so dull and boring, yours is so much fun. You get to know new things and they are such a fascination to you.

Oh, you have also just realized that you have tongue because you kept sticking out your litte mini tongue all the time. That's so cute, I feel like ripping it out. Okay, kidding. I sound like a psiko.

You look at your Ayah and Mama also with fascination and you are addicted to TV. You were watching Giuliana and Bill with full attention and you don't even know what they were talking!

So, here are some of your pictures in case FB will not work in the future and your Mama misplaces your pics. Hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoy it dear.

Penat ye dgr Mama membebel? Aunty pun penat

Sweet dream my niece.. Love ya

Urghh..

Okay, on the day of Valentine's day next year, me and the other unfortunate 76 friends of mine will be going to our respective school to do our practicum.

So, as I've been living with five other girlfriends they adviced me to carry (girl) handbag and wear (girl) shoes to school. Yeah, I know I'm goin to be a future teacher but really, must we be stuck to the old notion that teachers must wear baju kurung and even the tudung must be worn very nicely (it's like there's a standardized way of wearing tudung that a teacher must follow). I mean like we have been so formal in our way of wearing clothes but there are still students being mat rempits and the problems seem to be endless that I don't feel like listing.

'Cikgu kencing berdiri, anak murid kencing berlari'.

Yeah, try me!

Ishh, I feel weak just thinking about how my friends are going to drag me to Prangin or Queensbay to buy a (girl) handbag. And Syirah... Oh please, must I wear lipstick? I'm not Angelina Jolie. I'm Sharifah Bazilah and I am just content with the way I look and how I dress myself.

Can I wear these:

Oh, you know what I mean k. I really love, in love and in lust with these shoes man..

And them too (not too much coz I don't find the ones that I truly like)

Not really the ones that I would look and fall in love at the very first sight but they're kinda okay. I know my type when I see one.

Okay as crazy that I am, I will not be wearing any of the bags below to school. Don't worry Malaysia.

Krazee

Okay, so, I'm mad. I'm really mad but I don't know who I'm mad at.

Oh yes, I think I know why I feel this way.

I am crazy. Period!

So, I've been interested to read books about crazy people and symptoms and the likes (actually, I stumbled upon these books when finding books for my assignmnets, not that I really look for crazy books).

And I actually have most of the symptoms. So, there it goes. I AM CRAZY!

I have read 'His Bright Light; The Story Of My Son, Nick Traina' since I was like 12 and damn it is a good book.I don't know how many times I have finished reading the book. It is so addictive and trust me, I can still live if all the books in the world is burnt but not this book (and I love reading). It is about a boy living with ADHD, bipolar disease and mental illness but oh my god, I'm so in love with this book, I cannot explain it now (I'll write a special post about this book one day). What I'm trying to say is, I may be having his diseases. Okay, not that extreme because I still live in a society where if you don't go back home because you're damn busy, you are called 'lupa diri' and you are being talked behind like you're a criminal. Thanks for those who understand me and Mama, thanks so much for bein supportive. You're so cool I cannot believe you're almost 60 (that's a compliment mummy).

And if I don't have Mama who has given me everything, I think I'm a big time wreck and I'll be wandering off every night, and just don't friggin care about my family at all. Hey, it's an advantage living in Malaysia because 'budi bahasa budaya kita' right?

I just know that I'll be totally like Nick Traina if I'm left without nobody to think about (did I mention Nick Traina's a supercute, superhandsome human being and I'm totally in love with his attitude? Heee).

So, back to the first sentence of this post. I think I'm mad. I'm sad. I'm relieved all at once. Am I crazy?

I'll be looking out the window like a prisoner and have nobody to talk to. And then, I don't even get out from this room because I am suffering from fever, cough and eye sore. I love it because everytime I need something, I'll just call out my sister and she gave me everything but still, with my mental condition (I think), I'm fragile to be left all alone here.

Oh, sometimes, I can open the door of my room and see my sister bathing her baby. Oh, my god, she's so cute.And I'll be telling my sister that it feels like I'm looking at Facebook because I don't get to touch the baby.

p.s: And then all I just need is Kevin Federline to turn me into a complete maniac ;p

Inside

Okay, something funny happened a few days ago. And usually I kept it to myself until I am back in Penang (or UUM) because I would usually tell a friend of mine and together we would burst out laughing. The thought of laughing together makes all the waiting worth it.

So, I am keepin all this funny details because I want to laugh with this particular person. But then I remember,

we no longer talk.

People (jugdemental and heartless you out there) may say "What's the big deal? There's plenty of people out there"

I am happy to answer this. Because my sense of humour is different and few people get me. And then, some things may not even be funny to them and vice versa (I think some people's jokes are so lame and old, I swear I can puke right there and then - and I'm not the type that throw up easily). Whoopsieee

So, here I am, saving the anger and the amusement all in me.

(And during the exam period, I swear I would suddenly laugh and when I told my friends that I'm goin crazy, they would say that it's normal. But it freaked even me. Hey, when I do go crazy, don't say that I haven't warn ya'all) :p

What I saw, what I felt, what I heard, WHAT I REALLY WANT.................... TODAY!

 What I saw:

- I woke up at 4 and went out to the corridor and as usual tried to peak at Dalwin and Kamini's room. It was dark. Strange. Today's an exam day and their room is supposed to be bright until at least 8 am. And it started to be bright again at 9 maybe. Strange!

- I saw Ming twice today. Once energetic (at maybe 7 am) and another sleepy (at 12 pm). I talked a bit to her and offered her something. She said she's a good girl. Hahaha. I'm gonna miss everything here. Talking to her always lead to us being competitive (in a joking way) but today I just talk friendly to her. There's something sad about the notion that we're not going to see each other again soon for a very very long time.

- I saw a  flock of black birds early in the morning. They look plain but when they fly, and if we look horizontally, they are quite beautiful because there were white spots on both their wings. And few moments later, there is a pair of very beautiful bright yellow birds and they quickly overtook my attention from the black birds. 

(I was just saying what I saw early this morning but when I think about this matter, I can totally relate to humans. There are people who are beautiful inside though they may not look so good on the outside but people tend to ignore them. And then, there are these extremely good looking people but they are not so nice- talking childishly- People love them because of their outward look. They are blinded  by the looks but ignore the true person these people really are. Oh, this is so just my opinion. I felt really bad for the black birds. But I think they are just content with having to fly through the clouds and see the world from the up above)

- I saw beautiful clouds at dawn and Syirah said that her father can draw the scene. And I remember that my father once draw a picture of Brian Littrell (one of my earliest crush) and though it might sound weird, I miss my father (and it happens quite often nowadays). 

 

What I felt:

- While walking along the corridor looking at the tiles, my fingers felt weird. Twice. They felt paralyzed (no, not that extreme, but different). 

- I felt different today. Much lighter and heavier at the same time. Lighter because we are not enemies now and being friends is so much easier. Heavier because of the exam and the fact that I'm going to be an adult very very soon (23 and practical and all) and also heavier because I have to go back to KL (the journey and all the things I have to go through, I'm sure it's going to be painful).

- I felt at ease because someone called and not long after that my beloved mommy called. It felt really nice and relaxing.

What I heard:

- Oh, this is interesting. I woke up this morning and Syirah told us that when everybody was asleep, there were 2 cats fighting in the house. And the funny part is, it is only her that realized the incident. Everybody seemed to be so dozed off. Even Wani who is sensitive to sounds at night couldn't hear it (excuse her, she ate Panadol). And Syirah made her decision to wake Siti up instead of me (she was deciding whether to wake me or Siti up). She said that she was afraid that I made fun of her by saying it was her imagination or that it was ghost. Unfortunately, Siti ignored her. Leaving her chasing the cats out through the windows and one of the cats has forgotten his way out and Syirah (blessed her soul) has to carry the cat out in the middle of the night. Hahaha. That was damn funny. And to make it funnier, she has to take flu medicine because she couldn't get to sleep after that. And she was 'membebel' all the way through. Oh, I can only imagine. I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep again laughing hysterically at her. Oh, this is one of the few entertainment left for me (okay, so I don't get to laugh from the heart lately. And the only good feeling that I get is through berak. How pathetic my life is right now?).

What I really want:

- I want to be with my mama now

-I want to be able to laugh from the heart again. Truly laugh. I need someone to give me one hell of a good joke to make me laugh again. Because I just cannot seem to find someone that can give me that (lately)

- I need a time machine so that I can reverse few things in my life. I want that happy moments again because it was truly happy. (I'm going to write about it one day)

- And I want to be 9 again because I felt happy then.

- And seriously, I don't know what I truly want

I'M MESSED UP PRETTY BAD!

Menangis Lagi :'(

Siapa nak kesat air mata ni bila dia menitik?
Siapa nak dengar masalah ni bila semua orang xsanggup dengar?
Siapa nak ada kat sebelah bila ada ramai orang tapi waktu tu la terasa paling sunyi?
Siapa yang sanggup terima semua keburukkan diri ni bila semua xsanggup terima diri ni?
Siapa nak bekukan air yang keluar dari mata ni? Dia xnak berenti keluarla! 


Ma, you never told me that the world is so cruel

Mama Anora, cepatlah balik ye?
Bazilah nak Mama ada sebelah Bazilah
Bazilah nak Mama terima je kelemahan diri Bazilah ni
Bazilah nak tido bawah ketiak Mama
Bazilah nak kacau Mama bila Mama tengok berita pukul 8 malam
Bazilah nak nanges depan Mama n Mama kata hidung Bazilah kemek bila nanges
Bazilah nak Mama ada je untuk Bazilah biarpun Bazilah teruk macam mana pun
Bazilah nak Mama panaskan tangan Bazilah yang sejuk
Bazilah nak Mama sejukkan tangan Bazilah yang panas
Semua tu perlukan tangan Mama je. Cepatlah balik Ma.


Cepatlah balik Mama..
Bazilah sorang2 ni
Bazilah tak kuat nak hadapi semua ni sorang2.
Cepatlah balik Ma, please!


I love u, mummy

Pretty Please!! Anybody??

Ok. Seriously, I dread being old.That is celebrating (or can I  just say waiting for) 18/2 every damn year. It is so depressing. VERY DEPRESSING!! Of course I'll be counting the days out loud. Sorry, my dear friends (it's another 2 fuckin months). But the thought of turning a year old is so #@%$^.

Actually, I want people to surprise me with things that I really want to help forget that day. So please, anyone? Pretty please!!!

I have these.......................

(They are all flowery and fruity. They are not me. Heck, perfumes are not for me at all but they are all come from one genius person. That explains me; SHARIFAH BAZILAH, having them.)

So, can anyone pretty please complete my collection by buying any of those below?

And here is the latest one...

So, please anyone?

p.s: Kakngah bought me the Fantasy perfume for one of my birthdays and she said she cannot even wish 'happ...' for 3 years onwards. Guess the time is long up. She can wish me now and even buys me one more perfume from Britney Spears. (oh yes Kakngah, I don't want any pelekat2 princess u intend to buy Shasha)

Tulang....Bukan Duri

"Mama, Bazilah dah pandai siang n goreng ikan. Mama kata Mama nk tggl dgn Bazilah lpas Bazilah posting nnt kn? Mama kata Mama akn masakkan utk Bazilah kn? Xpe Ma, Ma bleh truskn cita2 Mama tu tp biar Bazilah je goreng ikan. Bazilah dh reti bt. Budak2 ni ajar Bazilah td"

Hee.. Aku dh pndai siang n goreng ikan la.. Mmg saiko nk bt sume tu tp hasilnya mmuaskn (bg aku la, bg org len, keras kematu kut ikan tu). 

Tahniah Shepah. Anda dh mnjadi sedikit prempuan n Mama dh leh ada menantu dh pasni..

Aku pesan kt Ainnul, jgn ajar mcm dia ajar aku kt adik dia nnt sbb nnt adik dia discourage nk mmasak. Ainnul kata adik dia lg suka mmasak ni. (pelik la. Npe aku smpai menangis kt Mama suh Mama beli pistol kecik2 dlu?)

Oh ye. Tp sbb nervous sgt, waktu Wani tnya hati2 nk buang isi kotor ikan tu, aku kata sbb duri dia eh? (adoi, btapa aku brjaya portray aku ni bengap). Wani dgn nada lemah lmbutnya ckp, bukan duri, ikan ada apa? Tulang..

Syed Baqri

Ouuh.. I miss writing and not the type of writing that u have 2 think first before doing the writing (as in exam).  Speaking of exam, I was too busy to write. The next paper is on the 29^th and I want to write something before going back to the tons of books and continue stressing my brain out.

Before the guys arrived back here, I was thinking of him out of a sudden. And yesterday Wani & Siti (we went out for dinner) asked about my sisters’ age and I told them about him and amazingly, they had no idea that I used to have him (and I here I thought I talked A LOT). I don’t know why but I kept thinking about him lately.

He is Syed Baqri and he’s my brother. Yes, I used to have a BIG BRO (how cool to even write that?). I have never met him though. He is the first child of my parents. My mom said that the doctor told her that my brother won’t even survived in the womb. But my mom was determined to keep him and luckily he survived. The expected day to deliver him arrived but he won’t come out and my mom waited. As he is fragile, the doctor said that he should be delivered before the third day after the expected day. Luckily, my mom gave birth to Syed Baqri b Syed Burhanudin on the second day. She said that he had sharp nose (yeah, yeah. I know we are totally different) and little else that I know of. Again the doctor said that my brother won’t survive long. And fate has it that he survived to see the world for only a week. (oo, he was born on December the 2^nd - the birth date of Britney Spears and my eldest sister was born in 1981- Britney Spears’ birth year. How is that as a coincidence? Okay, I’m out of topic here)

I don’t know why but I remember him a lot lately. Technically, I don’t have any male companion all my life. And I can only imagine him being alive. If he’s still alive, he would be 31. Old huh? Heee.. 

I don’t know why but I want to have a big brother -real bad- and I think he would be a perfect older brother. He would now be married to a beautiful girl that treats me super nicely (I am after all, my brother’s little sis). And he’d be tall (taller than me – my sisters are super short) and has tanned skin and he has big hands (so that he can slap those who make me cry or those who break my heart). 

As he’d be 31 and I’m 22, he would know what I’m going through in life right now. The fact that I’m a student with lots of friends’ problems, and the fact that men can be jerks and that all I need is some companion that I can talk to, would make him a great confidante. I imagine him being such a protective brother that I can always count on. 

Oh yes, he is short-tempered too. We cannot help it. It runs in the family. Thanks to the other SB. We would have different opinion on things but he would still support me. He is talented and he plays guitar. He would do what guys do. He would go out at night and bring me along. My mom would scold him for bringing me out but he defended me. That is what I imagine about him. The best brother anyone would ever wish for.

Wishful thinking, huh? 

 (Okay, this is so not us. I just thought this is cute. The girl is too cute to be me and besides, since when we're a Caucasian family?)

Please don’t change my mind about how big brothers really behave because I just want to think highly of him.

"Abang, Bazilah tak kenal Abang. Bazilah hanya boleh doakn utk Abang. Abang tunggu Bazilah okay? Bazilah nk jumpa Abang. Semoga kita jumpa suatu hari nanti, Abang!"

-Al-Fatihah-

What a night

I am entitled to be depressed – Sharifah Bazilah

So, last night is maybe the most depressed of all. Yesterday, I went out at 5.30 pm to buy food to break my fast. Too early eh? Yes, people that I love always remind me not to go out at night (and I seldom follow).

I was hungry and I saw lots of chocolate and they remind me of my mama. When I am with her, she always buys me chocolates. Always.  So, looking at the chocolates made me depressed. Yup, I immediately remember mama. I didn’t feel like eating them but I wanted them coz i miss my time with mama. In the end, I didn’t buy anything. I left although I can almost hear them crying out for me. And because I felt like I have left a part of mama there.

Mama, I miss u so much.

Alone in the house made me even more depressed. And I remembered my friends who have gone back to their house. I know that once they are back here, they’ll be all cheerful and geared up to talk endlessly about anything. I remember the feeling. I have once felt the same. The feeling comes from the happiness gained from the humble abode. I don’t know why but give me thousands of problems and they'll all disappear once I reach home (and you don’t need a 3.5 million dollar house for that).

I remember the journey to Kampung Tanjung Rimau Luar (no lies in the name yo’ all) in Alor Gajah (they really do love animals, Rimau, Gajah wth?). All the exhaustion and all the frustration from studying (and people’s bitchy attitudes) gone in a blink of an eye once I see her. Puan Anora bt Abdullah. I don’t know, but although she didn’t speak anything, just her smile and her presence made me energized. 

I remember waking up on weekdays to see her preparing to go to work (leaving her scent to accompany me during the day) and on weekends where I’d know that she’d be in the kitchen. And lazy me would ‘strut my stuff’ (yeah rite), to the kitchen and whine and complain about her leaving me alone in the room. Satisfied with the 'job' I’ve done, I’d walked back to my bedroom and continue sleeping till she wakes me up to strengthened the bed. I would always make her wait five minutes (though she wouldn’t listen) until I gave up. I would always say that there’s no point to be doing the bed because I would be using it again in the night and she would always reply in her own way (it is difficult to be described but oh how I miss her reply and just the person she is).

I remember that in the evening she would always tend the garden though I would always ask her to stop and accompany me in the house. The garden is so much beautiful and relaxing when she’s there. And sometimes we would go to Tampin (just the two of us) and ‘shop’ at Tampin shopping (it is not a mall, okay). It’s just that the little things she’d do made so much impact in my life. I need her so much and I long for her. I want to be a kid and feel relaxed and the feeling is always achieved when I am with her. The smell of the house and the kampong surrounding, the clean sheets along with her presence make all the stress of being a student disappear (I am, after all in my 20s right?). 

Oh, back to last night. I was so depressed (maybe it’s near to that time of month). My handphone was so sunyi that I kept looking at it and decided to send mama a message (this is the most desperate I have texted her because I don’t want her to be worried bout me)

“Ma, Bazilah sunyi..”

Nanoseconds later,

Kring kring…

Adik, sori. Mama sibuk. Mama baru balik dari meeting kt Chicago

<dlm hati aku…pfftt..she was in Chicago n I’m in Gelugor>.

Adik bt apa?

Xbt pe. I miss u

I miss u too

Bazilah sunyi

Adik g sembahyang, bca quran

Dh. Bazilah nk mama teman

Yela, mama teman la ni.

Adik, mama dh smpai embassy ni. I call u later k?

Ok la <bt nada sedih sikit>

I miss u baby, darling, syg, honey <dgn sgt cepatnya>

Klik.

Adoyai. I’m back alone again. I was so depressed and alone that I decided to sleep at 9.30

I am mentally tired. I do. I have been studying for the whole semester and the end-of-sem break is shortened and there’ll be no mama to be waiting for me at the bas station. No mama to be just there for me. So, I’m starting the next sem with some of the frustration left of this sem. Waa…

My brain shuts down. I am mentally tired. I need a freakin good rest!

However, today is a much better day. Mama called and we talked for hours like usual and I’m in a better mood. Yay!

G mandi pagi raya

Jap g la. Mandi tgh hari trus

Tu bukan mandi pagi raya dh tu. Tu mandi tgh hari raya

:p

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha...

Aku igt kali pertama n terakhir tgk org korban lembu dpn mata aku.

Sgt excited (yes, I get excited too easily). Smpai dpn masjid Tanjung Rimau tu, dh nmpak kepala lembu dh. First time nampak kepala lembu yg betul live. Selama ni tgk yg tipu je yg gantung kt rumah org (oh....itu rusa lah Sharifah). Aku nmpak sume proses diorg sembelih. Semuanya baru utk aku. Gila excited. Smbil tulis ni pun excited. Aku leh bayang lg, apa yg kluar dari leher lembu tu, mcm ne diorg bt bnyi, mcm ner darah diorg masuk dlm lubang tanah yg dikorek khas. Oh, itu hari yg sgt baru bt aku. 

Sepupu aku, Ira pun ada skali n dia ngucap je tgk aku excited mcm sawan. Mama relax je. Dia pasrah tgk anak dia mcm ni. Dia dh knal sgt aku ni. Berminggu-minggu aku bising crita balik kt Ira mcm dia xde kt tmpat kejadian plak. Yes, aku masih excited. Pas2, aku balik Penang n mangsa excited aku ialah Diana. Kesian. Aku rasa Ira bersyukur sgt aku dh xde dpan mata dia. Anyway, raya kali ni di Penang je. Alone. Berseorangan bersama laptop yg dh uzur n handphone yg sgt sunyi. Dan kertas yg berselerak..

Anyway..............

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILADHA UNTUK SEMUA YANG BERAGAMA ISLAM.