Tulang....Bukan Duri

"Mama, Bazilah dah pandai siang n goreng ikan. Mama kata Mama nk tggl dgn Bazilah lpas Bazilah posting nnt kn? Mama kata Mama akn masakkan utk Bazilah kn? Xpe Ma, Ma bleh truskn cita2 Mama tu tp biar Bazilah je goreng ikan. Bazilah dh reti bt. Budak2 ni ajar Bazilah td"

Hee.. Aku dh pndai siang n goreng ikan la.. Mmg saiko nk bt sume tu tp hasilnya mmuaskn (bg aku la, bg org len, keras kematu kut ikan tu). 

Tahniah Shepah. Anda dh mnjadi sedikit prempuan n Mama dh leh ada menantu dh pasni..

Aku pesan kt Ainnul, jgn ajar mcm dia ajar aku kt adik dia nnt sbb nnt adik dia discourage nk mmasak. Ainnul kata adik dia lg suka mmasak ni. (pelik la. Npe aku smpai menangis kt Mama suh Mama beli pistol kecik2 dlu?)

Oh ye. Tp sbb nervous sgt, waktu Wani tnya hati2 nk buang isi kotor ikan tu, aku kata sbb duri dia eh? (adoi, btapa aku brjaya portray aku ni bengap). Wani dgn nada lemah lmbutnya ckp, bukan duri, ikan ada apa? Tulang..

Syed Baqri

Ouuh.. I miss writing and not the type of writing that u have 2 think first before doing the writing (as in exam).  Speaking of exam, I was too busy to write. The next paper is on the 29^th and I want to write something before going back to the tons of books and continue stressing my brain out.

Before the guys arrived back here, I was thinking of him out of a sudden. And yesterday Wani & Siti (we went out for dinner) asked about my sisters’ age and I told them about him and amazingly, they had no idea that I used to have him (and I here I thought I talked A LOT). I don’t know why but I kept thinking about him lately.

He is Syed Baqri and he’s my brother. Yes, I used to have a BIG BRO (how cool to even write that?). I have never met him though. He is the first child of my parents. My mom said that the doctor told her that my brother won’t even survived in the womb. But my mom was determined to keep him and luckily he survived. The expected day to deliver him arrived but he won’t come out and my mom waited. As he is fragile, the doctor said that he should be delivered before the third day after the expected day. Luckily, my mom gave birth to Syed Baqri b Syed Burhanudin on the second day. She said that he had sharp nose (yeah, yeah. I know we are totally different) and little else that I know of. Again the doctor said that my brother won’t survive long. And fate has it that he survived to see the world for only a week. (oo, he was born on December the 2^nd - the birth date of Britney Spears and my eldest sister was born in 1981- Britney Spears’ birth year. How is that as a coincidence? Okay, I’m out of topic here)

I don’t know why but I remember him a lot lately. Technically, I don’t have any male companion all my life. And I can only imagine him being alive. If he’s still alive, he would be 31. Old huh? Heee.. 

I don’t know why but I want to have a big brother -real bad- and I think he would be a perfect older brother. He would now be married to a beautiful girl that treats me super nicely (I am after all, my brother’s little sis). And he’d be tall (taller than me – my sisters are super short) and has tanned skin and he has big hands (so that he can slap those who make me cry or those who break my heart). 

As he’d be 31 and I’m 22, he would know what I’m going through in life right now. The fact that I’m a student with lots of friends’ problems, and the fact that men can be jerks and that all I need is some companion that I can talk to, would make him a great confidante. I imagine him being such a protective brother that I can always count on. 

Oh yes, he is short-tempered too. We cannot help it. It runs in the family. Thanks to the other SB. We would have different opinion on things but he would still support me. He is talented and he plays guitar. He would do what guys do. He would go out at night and bring me along. My mom would scold him for bringing me out but he defended me. That is what I imagine about him. The best brother anyone would ever wish for.

Wishful thinking, huh? 

 (Okay, this is so not us. I just thought this is cute. The girl is too cute to be me and besides, since when we're a Caucasian family?)

Please don’t change my mind about how big brothers really behave because I just want to think highly of him.

"Abang, Bazilah tak kenal Abang. Bazilah hanya boleh doakn utk Abang. Abang tunggu Bazilah okay? Bazilah nk jumpa Abang. Semoga kita jumpa suatu hari nanti, Abang!"

-Al-Fatihah-

What a night

I am entitled to be depressed – Sharifah Bazilah

So, last night is maybe the most depressed of all. Yesterday, I went out at 5.30 pm to buy food to break my fast. Too early eh? Yes, people that I love always remind me not to go out at night (and I seldom follow).

I was hungry and I saw lots of chocolate and they remind me of my mama. When I am with her, she always buys me chocolates. Always.  So, looking at the chocolates made me depressed. Yup, I immediately remember mama. I didn’t feel like eating them but I wanted them coz i miss my time with mama. In the end, I didn’t buy anything. I left although I can almost hear them crying out for me. And because I felt like I have left a part of mama there.

Mama, I miss u so much.

Alone in the house made me even more depressed. And I remembered my friends who have gone back to their house. I know that once they are back here, they’ll be all cheerful and geared up to talk endlessly about anything. I remember the feeling. I have once felt the same. The feeling comes from the happiness gained from the humble abode. I don’t know why but give me thousands of problems and they'll all disappear once I reach home (and you don’t need a 3.5 million dollar house for that).

I remember the journey to Kampung Tanjung Rimau Luar (no lies in the name yo’ all) in Alor Gajah (they really do love animals, Rimau, Gajah wth?). All the exhaustion and all the frustration from studying (and people’s bitchy attitudes) gone in a blink of an eye once I see her. Puan Anora bt Abdullah. I don’t know, but although she didn’t speak anything, just her smile and her presence made me energized. 

I remember waking up on weekdays to see her preparing to go to work (leaving her scent to accompany me during the day) and on weekends where I’d know that she’d be in the kitchen. And lazy me would ‘strut my stuff’ (yeah rite), to the kitchen and whine and complain about her leaving me alone in the room. Satisfied with the 'job' I’ve done, I’d walked back to my bedroom and continue sleeping till she wakes me up to strengthened the bed. I would always make her wait five minutes (though she wouldn’t listen) until I gave up. I would always say that there’s no point to be doing the bed because I would be using it again in the night and she would always reply in her own way (it is difficult to be described but oh how I miss her reply and just the person she is).

I remember that in the evening she would always tend the garden though I would always ask her to stop and accompany me in the house. The garden is so much beautiful and relaxing when she’s there. And sometimes we would go to Tampin (just the two of us) and ‘shop’ at Tampin shopping (it is not a mall, okay). It’s just that the little things she’d do made so much impact in my life. I need her so much and I long for her. I want to be a kid and feel relaxed and the feeling is always achieved when I am with her. The smell of the house and the kampong surrounding, the clean sheets along with her presence make all the stress of being a student disappear (I am, after all in my 20s right?). 

Oh, back to last night. I was so depressed (maybe it’s near to that time of month). My handphone was so sunyi that I kept looking at it and decided to send mama a message (this is the most desperate I have texted her because I don’t want her to be worried bout me)

“Ma, Bazilah sunyi..”

Nanoseconds later,

Kring kring…

Adik, sori. Mama sibuk. Mama baru balik dari meeting kt Chicago

<dlm hati aku…pfftt..she was in Chicago n I’m in Gelugor>.

Adik bt apa?

Xbt pe. I miss u

I miss u too

Bazilah sunyi

Adik g sembahyang, bca quran

Dh. Bazilah nk mama teman

Yela, mama teman la ni.

Adik, mama dh smpai embassy ni. I call u later k?

Ok la <bt nada sedih sikit>

I miss u baby, darling, syg, honey <dgn sgt cepatnya>

Klik.

Adoyai. I’m back alone again. I was so depressed and alone that I decided to sleep at 9.30

I am mentally tired. I do. I have been studying for the whole semester and the end-of-sem break is shortened and there’ll be no mama to be waiting for me at the bas station. No mama to be just there for me. So, I’m starting the next sem with some of the frustration left of this sem. Waa…

My brain shuts down. I am mentally tired. I need a freakin good rest!

However, today is a much better day. Mama called and we talked for hours like usual and I’m in a better mood. Yay!

G mandi pagi raya

Jap g la. Mandi tgh hari trus

Tu bukan mandi pagi raya dh tu. Tu mandi tgh hari raya

:p

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha...

Aku igt kali pertama n terakhir tgk org korban lembu dpn mata aku.

Sgt excited (yes, I get excited too easily). Smpai dpn masjid Tanjung Rimau tu, dh nmpak kepala lembu dh. First time nampak kepala lembu yg betul live. Selama ni tgk yg tipu je yg gantung kt rumah org (oh....itu rusa lah Sharifah). Aku nmpak sume proses diorg sembelih. Semuanya baru utk aku. Gila excited. Smbil tulis ni pun excited. Aku leh bayang lg, apa yg kluar dari leher lembu tu, mcm ne diorg bt bnyi, mcm ner darah diorg masuk dlm lubang tanah yg dikorek khas. Oh, itu hari yg sgt baru bt aku. 

Sepupu aku, Ira pun ada skali n dia ngucap je tgk aku excited mcm sawan. Mama relax je. Dia pasrah tgk anak dia mcm ni. Dia dh knal sgt aku ni. Berminggu-minggu aku bising crita balik kt Ira mcm dia xde kt tmpat kejadian plak. Yes, aku masih excited. Pas2, aku balik Penang n mangsa excited aku ialah Diana. Kesian. Aku rasa Ira bersyukur sgt aku dh xde dpan mata dia. Anyway, raya kali ni di Penang je. Alone. Berseorangan bersama laptop yg dh uzur n handphone yg sgt sunyi. Dan kertas yg berselerak..

Anyway..............

SELAMAT HARI RAYA AIDILADHA UNTUK SEMUA YANG BERAGAMA ISLAM.

My Wants.. heee

During the foundation years (like trillion years ago), Diana; said that Mdm Mariah asked the then TESL 3 class, what they really want to do if Islam doesn't pose restrictions on things. The answers from the class are funny and some makes me cringe. But i don't think I'll be mentioning because they would just remember what they want.

I wish I was in the class and be able to answer that question.

For me, I would really want to do many things. I'm not the type that goes 'euww' to saying crazy things (not that I'm against that type of people). 

1. I want to be bald - My mom won't let me and I tried asking my dad but for the first time he agreed with my mom on this one (my dad is kinda don't-care-type of person). What a shocker. So there it goes, i can never be bald. *sigh*

2. I want to take drugs. Coz I think it is cool - enough said

3. I want to colour my hair green and black (jet black)

4. I want to kill people

5. I want to end my life before 19 (not achieved)

6. Pierce my mouth and belly button and eyebrow

7. Of coz make tattoos of my mom's name and things that portray the real me

Yes, I may look disturbing and people might take me as crazy and began to hate me and some may hate me even more. But hey, I'm honest. Let's just don't pretend about who we really are. That is more sickening

And yes, I don't have anything to do (explaining why I'm writing this) despite the exam coming close and haunting my life right now.

A trip to Tesco

I have nothing better to write. I write best when I am angry, sad, or heart-broken (yeah, I do get heart-broken). So, this piece is a piece of 'tahi' that is not worth reading.

I went to Tesco this morning with the hope that something interesting would come up to me (unfortunately, nothing happened). And I was in the state of buying every food that came into my mind. And trust me there were lots of food I was thinking of savouring. I was damn hungry and tired because my sleep last night took every ounce of energy I have saved for the last 22 years of my life (yes, i am exaggerating but I was really hungry, man). The day is Saturday and as a result, there were lots of people buying supply for their factory (again, exaggeration). I went for the fast lane to pay for the chemicals I'm going to damage my brain with but the fast lane was handled by some stupid people that made the fast lane..oh... so SLOW! And because I was so lack of sugar, I made faces and cursed them (not out loud. I'm too lemah lembut to be cursing people to their faces). The cashiers were laughing and drinking and sexing (again, exaggeration in the last verb). Patutla korg keje situ. I don't mean to be cruel but people; not me, have better things to do than seeing you guys laugh for something NOT funny at all and I; myself have to eat. And after buying the snacks, I went to the food court. All that I take is telur, ikan (sgt sedikit) n sayur (pun sgt sedikit). The rice given to me is also sedikit. I know that I ate a lot but even anorexic would agree that the rice is not enough for any human being. Oh, what I am trying to say is, all the 'sedikit's cause me RM 5.50. I ate them at 1.30 pm. The time now is 3 pm. I am very very hungry again and I think I am rotting to death. Sekian.

p.s: something sweet happened last night. 

The Elephant Side Of Me

My father once said that I have a memory of an elephant. I couldn’t help it. I just love to burden myself with what people say and do and will remember all the smallest details.

Here are the list of the things that people said/did that always made my day when I remember them

Mimi:

Tido mcm buaya

Jgn bermain dgn api (smbil ktawa xhengat dunia)

Hamper tertekan perkataan2 yg kejam (forget the exact words but something like that la)

Rosey:

Nah, simpan ni (sambil koyakkn jadual prlawanan Portugal – Euro 2004)

Hanya org lompat PTS je phm org lompat PTS

Ida:  

adik buncit!

Hanisah:

Keciknya pinggang awak!

Hadiah ni utk org yg plg sy syg

(although she is this sweet nice girl, she once played my lesbian partner 2 make my then bf jealous..not expected, huh?) 

  

(3 di bawah: perlu ke korg mndi brtiga di melaka dlu?haha)

Syirah:

Senang nk bela awk ni. Boleh mkn 1 lauk je

Hati awk lembut

Wani:

Awk muda tp matang

Awk akn slalu pkir bila ada msalah

(thanx 4 all da consolation u've given me. they are really helpful)

Diana:

Aku dh knal sgt ko ni, ko msti trlajak pnya (once I was driving really fast and almost terlajak but she reminded me to turn left before I even got there)

1^st time ko bg idea bernas (given to me everything I gave ideas.. and they are always the 1^st time..haha)

Klu jd kt ko aku tau ko pun akn byar balik sume duit diorg

Mcm pelik je dia ckp psl mati. Slalunya ko je yg ckp psl mati

(thanx so much 4 da help u've given me. i cannot ever repay)

(rumah taik)

(we were both chased by a dog, bought 2 rabbits n laughed like hell 2gther)

Udin: 

Cerek air

Lawa pah hri ni

Aslam:

Baik ko servis kete ko sblum balik Perlis. Hati2..

u rock woman. Thanx 4 every help that u’ve given me. Thanx 4 being my close friends.

Siti: Awk perhati sume bnda

Ahlam:

(you know what lam, there r not a single thing that I don’t like about u. u r such a calming person and it calms me. When u say something, it makes me reflect back on my life and most importantly, u make me listen)

Hazwan:

jgn risau, ko xgemuk

(he went out to fetch me and 2 other frens at 3 am and said that it is not appropriate for a girl to go out at night. A fren told me that he didn’t sleep that night)

(he once carry my bag for me)

Looi:

Here, spray this (when I was bleeding bcoz of : .........PACAT)

Zul:

I’m going to miss ur nose n ur ‘cerek’ air

(and all the things that u said that make me laugh)

Dalwin:

Mcm mna sni? Ok tk? Rndu rumah? (when we first arrived here. She said as if she’d been here 4 ten years..haha)

I’m always going to be there 4 u darling

Jom pergi Old Town

Thankx 4 being my hardworking partner

(4 the endlessly hugging my waist-so sweet… oh, and touching my boobs- is that necessary?)

(she took my picture with Abg Didi. Thanx 4 the help..hehe)

Puvi:

(she once belanja me KFC dinner plate)

Kak Farah:

Sharifah muda lg.. (hehe..thanx kak Farah but when u were 22, u can already cook excellently)

Ainnul:

Pedulikan apa org kata asalkn kita bahagia (sambil mengusap rambutku yg tebal- that’s so sweet ainnul)

Natrah:

Awk la kwn pompuan yg plg lelaki skali

Non:

Kesiannya ko Pah xbalik raya ni

Joe:

Ada innocence kt muka Sharifah (bila sume tnya npe xcye diorg,npe kna tnya Sharifah..hehe..thanx Joe)

(thanx 4 the fax thingy too)

Afik K:

Sjadjnjsdhfsdjcfnjxkl…. (I’m sorry. I just don’t understand the car language- the problems and instructions u’ve given me when NAV was sick)

And I remember every time people call me ‘adik’ because I feel like one and I need to act like one (refer to previous post-I don’t know anything and I need people 2 always guide me). 

All the help that they’ve given me might seem small but they are big and certainly meaningful to me.thanks 4 da wonderful moments u have given me, guys.

And then there’s  so much more but my brain seems to be not working at the moment as I’ve just damage it with Mamee Kari Xtra Pedas

AKU BUKAN PEREMPUAN ITU..

Aku xcntik, gemuk dan hitam

Aku xreti bersukan. 100 m pun xleh lg2 4 x 100m (xtau wujud ke tk acara ni)

Aku xleh mngacarakn ssuatu majlis (gugup weh)

Aku lurus sgt

Aku penuh dgn emosi (dan suka tmbah burukkn lg dgn dgr lagu sedih)

Aku suka Britney Spears sbb dia xkesah apa org ckp asalkn dia jd diri dia sndiri (dan lgu2 dia sgt fun n lain dri yg lain..listen 2 Blackout album)

Aku xpndai brgaul (msti muka aku xleh blah/ketat je)

Aku dh sah2 xleh memasak (Wani pnah trmkn kulit telur dlm telur dadar yg aku pecah n kacau-bkn masak ye)

Aku cenderung bt org lari dri aku (aku xtau apa msalah aku)

Aku slalu bt lawak yg aku xsdar dh sakitkn hati org lain

Aku seorg yg mmbosankn sbb aku akn pkir dlu apa aku akn ckp

 Sorg kwn aku pnah ckp: "Shepah ni la kwn pompuan yg plg laki skali"

Aku sgtlah pnas baran orgnya tp hanya kt org yg aku syg (n that includes u, my family.. i love u guys)

Kiranya aku ni bkn org yg laki bwk balik jmpa parents diorg la..hee..

tp.................

Aku akn sntiasa cuba baiki diri aku

Aku msih bleh fkir wpun aku terima je apa yg org ckp 

Aku still prempuan Melayu wpun gilakn Britney

Aku tau aku akn blajar memasak jgk suatu hri nnt

Aku bt lawak n ketawa utk smbunyikan perasaan sbenar aku (i'm sorry that my sense of humour is different. i don't mean 2 hurt anyone)

Aku bnyk diam kt org yg aku rapat tp aku still syg diorg (i'm sorry dalwinder kaur.u r my best fren but i cannot help it that i'm quiet and boring)

Aku msih sorg pompuan yg prlukn kwn pompuan utk menggila n kwn laki yg bleh dia ckp, share sume n pcaya)

Aku tau yg aku syg sgt kt family aku n org2 yg aku syg (dan bila aku syg org 2 aku akn syg sungguh2 n sggup bt apa je utk diorg)

kesimpulannya:

AKU BUKAN PEREMPUAN BIASA YG PERFECT DAN BLEH BT SUMENYER 

(sbar jela dgn aku ni)

Obssesive Compulsive Disorder (sje wat gempaq)

I have been in love with Britney Spears all my life. She is so not the person i am but wish that i could be

so here's the picture maps (i really need to stop reading storytelling!)

From this sweet bubbly small town girl.....

evolved to a beautiful person...

but still enjoying her life the way she wanted it to without worrying what others think of her...

with her family and loved ones...

 

and she found her 'princes charming' (or so she thought)..

but they turned out to be jerks, gave children to one of them and become one hell of a hot mama.....

and continue doing what she does best; being herself....

oh, and the crazy things she did......

makes me fall in love with her even more  

(i have been wanting to be bald since i was young but my parents won't let me. so i guess Britney fulfilled it for me..yay!).

There are more great photos and achievement of hers but i am tired now.. 

Yes, i know i may look lunatic to be adoring Britney like hell but hey, she is the other part of me i'm afraid to show.. and she isn't afraid to show it!

love ya, Brit muaxx