Two Sides

Everything has two sides or so they said. But I don't have two sides, I have million sides.

I change when I am with different people. Sometimes I hate myself for not being able to be who I really am. The last time I am being myself is back when I was still in Perlis. People change. And that includes me. I change like a chameleon.

I listen to songs to run away from problems. To run away from reality. 

When I broke up with my first bf, I was listening to Britney's Blackout. That album speaks to me. She was having problems and I was too. She was running away from problems by singing songs that can get you up and dancing your socks off and that healed me.

Britney's songs are just about having fun hence me not facing the the reality of life. But I don't mind. I love dancing sometimes stupidly at that.

And lately, I can feel that I've grown. Things that I used to find important are not so important anymore. 

I am currently listening to T.A.T.U's songs. I think they're genius but sadly the group has no more existed. Their songs meanwhile are more me. The rebel true side of me. The dark side. The side of me that's just wanna be me. The twisted little me.

Habislah untuk ketika ini sebab terasyik tengok gambar britney plak..hilang dh fokus...

Tata =)

A Little Time Out

I love writing and it's killing me that I have many things to talk about at times but don't have time to write. 

This is a breather. I have many things goin on lately and I miss people so much and songs and places but at this moment, I don't have a clue on what to write. I'm just happy that I can write.

Hmm.. What should I write? 

Oh yeah, this morning I was thinking of my Pykett boys. The thought came suddenly. I just don't know how to explain. This feeling. 

Am I weird? Sometimes, I love people and things too much. Do I have obsessive compulsive disorder or bipolar disorder or manic depressive? 

Once I thought that I've overcame this love towards Pykett but this morning it came again. The love towards the boys. I was having difficult times at ipg then and the boys brought back my happiness. I was VERY HAPPY. 

I thought of Sharizan and the other boys. They must be little adults now. They must have grown. Do they still remember me?

I'm sad.

Portugal

Since it's Euro, people are currently talking about football all the time. I wanna talk about it too.

I have to admit I'm not that knowledgeable in this subject but I know a few things. And I can say more than some people =p

Anyway, when I first watched football, my eyes were set on Luis Figo. He's a great football player and since then, I fell in love with Portugal. Little did I know then that Portugal is one of the top 10 football team in the world.

And since then, I try to learn about Portugal. I began to read my form 3 history books. I haven't had any idea that the 'Portugis' in my history books refers to the Portuguese and they have a country named Portugal (I am so terrible in my historical and geographical knowledge).

And guess what, it helped me in studying. Thanks football. Hehe.

I love Figo and I think Vitor Baia is such a GREAT goalkeeper.

Then there is Joao Pinto. I get attracted to angry guys easily (now I am setting my eyes on Mario Balotelli). I think angry guys are sexy and full of attitude.

And the guys that have helped Portugal so much such as Pepe, Pauleta, Fabio Coentrao, Raul Meireles and Simao. Writing their names you can imagine how I am being so girl-y.

Nani. He's the guy beside Figo that when I first saw, I instantly fell in love. I noticed him even before MU and other people noticed how talented he is.

Enough for now. I don't wanna bore anyone with my thoughts =p

Oh yeah, forgot to mention. I've been watching the delayed and repeated games that I've learnt the rhythm of Portugal's national anthem. It's just that I don't think I'll be able to sing along since their language for me is too difficult. I am 24 anyway, not a 2 year olds that can absorb things they hear.

In The 'Zone'

Before I start, I wanna say my grammar sucks (check out my last post..blueek).

This week is probably the most eventful to date for a while now. I had gastric for the first time in 24 years of my life and it is so traumatic. It drained all the energy out of me. But enough with it, I will write about it if I have the time.

I was doing my work when I was browsing my childhood songs one by one. I will hear songs from different bands each day reminiscing my childhood while doing my work. 

And one day, I youtube-d Boyzone. Omaigod. Love them soooooo much. Love every songs they made. Love everything. I remembered listening to them with my eldest sis. I can still hum to their first song. Aww, feels like a kid again.

Anyway, their last song with Stephen Gately (he died at the age of 33), is Gave It All Away. That's one hell of a song. Nak nanges dgr, sumpah!

Yay!!!!Dapat dah tangkap nyamuk sekor ni. Klu x, sure mnggaru mlm ni.... Okay, kuar topik jap.

Sambung... You can never get their kinda song now. Now, you get a lot of "baby, baby, baby..oh"

Tapi kan, what I object is the number of viewers they get.. Come on, their songs are way much better than that JustinB dick!

Ok, younger people don't get me. Fine! (Nak merajuk!!)

P.S: I introduced 'No Matter What' to her while teasing her that she looks like Stephen Gately and that she might end up marrying him though he's gay. And a couple of years later, Steo (his nickname) died. And I was next to her when reading the news. We were in the lecture hall for Encik Ahmad?'s class. We were both shocked and the rest is history. She/Dia; I don't think need mentioning.

Saya Banyak Masa =D

 I think this is gonna b a long entry. So, for those who actually read my blog and do not like long entries, you can do other better things. =)

There are some songs when you listen to them, you'll remember places/times you heard the songs the most. Am I making sense? Haha.. Let me put it as simple as possible. Certain songs will quickly remind me of the time I first heard them. Still not clear? Never mind. Sometimes I confuses myself too. 

For example:

- Miley Cyrus' 'See You Again' reminds me of driving around Penang when I first got my momma's car. I was new to driving and my friends urged me to drive. I was scared to death and they were having the time of their lives, laughing and enjoying the cool night's air with this song blaring on the radio. Gosh, I was scared and I can still feel the feeling. My friends' lives were actually on danger then. Hahaha.

- BSB's 'Quit Playing Games With My Heart' reminds me when I was 9. Singing annoyingly in the dark classroom. Listening to this song now never fail to make me smile and sometimes sad, thinking that I am not that 9 year old self anymore.

 

- Green Day's 'Wake Me Up When September Ends' will immediately reminds me of walking from Prangin to IPG. Sam was there protecting us. Those were the days.

 

- Britney's 'Someday' reminds me of staying at my room at Blok Jambu, the last room and watching the vid in awe (Brit Brit had been staying low then, so when the vid came out, I was estatic).

 

- Oh, I have to share this. There was a phase in my life where I drool over Saif Ali Khan ( I still do, though not that obsessive anymore) that I bought all DVDs with Saif Ali Khan as one of the characters. I watched Kal Ho Naa Ho. Shah Rukh Khan is the main character. I know Shah Rukh Khan's won't affect me at all because it is Saif that is the reason I decided to watch. How wrong. The movie's so sad that I swear if I there's no subtitles, I would still cry

See? Get what I am talking? There are recent songs that better suited to be listened to on highways. Titanium by David Guetta and Eyes Open by Taylor Swift. Am I weird?

 

There were so many more and they bring memories. memories that hurt now cause I realize I'm getting old. Enough with it already!

 

Ok peeps. I love YOU! Yes YOU who managed to read through this entry =)

True Confessions

It seems a while ago that I have many things to say. But now that I am typing, I'm lost in thoughts.

I have been showing I'm happy and tough when all I am inside is such a wreck, scared, coward girl.

I'm seriously scared. I thought I have friends but I actually don't. My definition of friends is people that I can instantly pick up the phone and call just to complain how sucks my day went.

Now that I'm working, I am all alone. I know I don't have much to complain at school because I have adorable kids and the teachers are not that bitchy. I have been through worst that I was almost feel like losing in life. When I was studying, I saw many types of people that constantly put me down. To the lowest of lows. I always wondered back then, why am I being put in such tests? What did I do wrong? Even when I am typing this, I can still feel the hurt. I feel like crying now. People can really give scars to me. But I realized that all the tests makes me such a strong person now. So strong, that I don't experience the so-called shitty working life with shitty working colleagues. Alhamdulillah. I am so thankful. Subhanallah. Allah is so great!!!

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment though. I feel so lost. I want friends. I gave everything to people just to make them appreciate me as a friend. Oh God, why is this feeling happening to me? I'm not a teenager to be thinking of friends. I am an adult.

And now that I realized that I shouldn't be thinking of my 'friends' because I am an adult, I am starting to think like an adult. Where we begin to think of our life partners. I don't usually think like this but I am starting to think of my future husband. Yes, I love to flirts and look at beautiful guys. But I want my own Ustaz Don. A guy I can call a husband. A guy I can come back home to after work and feel instantly good. A guy that talks like Ustaz Don. A guy that reminds me of Allah, Rasulullah and Islam in such a soft way. I have had enough of people putting me down with orders and harsh words or those 'perli' words. But Ustaz Don is not for me. Even if he's available, he won't want me. I'm not a good person. But I still want a guy like him so that I can change and become a better person.

I want to tell him my problems. I want to just be next to him and smell him. I want to look forward to seeing him and listening to him after work.

I'm scared. I'm sad. I don't even know what's happening to me.

I'm tired. I'm sleepy. I have problems and I don't know who can help me.

In conclusion: I don't have friends that I can laugh with. I don't have a guy that can always advice me and make me feel at ease. And yet, I still have a mountain of problems!!!

Ya Allah, give me great things. Things that I love and can handle. Things that make me feel worthy.

Engagement blah blah blah

My ex is engaged. The news killed me instantly.

Nope, not that I still love him. Of all my boyfriends, he is the most boring-est. And I cannot tolerate boring boyfriends. I get bored (I even sleep throughout movies, ok). I get cranky.

So, why am I taking this so seriously? I don't even know. Maybe because it's the fact that he's boring? Or because I feel like he's the most innocent that even his words cannot be trusted?

I hate it so much. To be fooled.

Time waits for no man. There will be a new day,everyday. They do not stop mourning for me alone.

Allah has planned everything perfectly for me. Things that suit me best and that no one else can fit into it.

Ustaz Don

His name is Don Daniyal b Don Biyajid. Ustaz Don.

People around me know that I get attracted to guys easily and when I heard about him, I thought I'm goin to fall for this guy too.

Yeah, I did but not for the same reason as the other guys. I don't even look at this guy's face. I just love the way he teaches Islam. Sometimes, I just hear his voice while doing my work. And his words touches me. Yeah, many were affected by his words.

He is knowledgeable and good looking. He can speak good English. He can speak Hindi. He can speak Arabic. And the best part, he speaks loghat Utara. something that I listened to growing up. So, when he talks, it hits home. Oh yeah, he's very funny. A very complete package I must say! Respect!

He has charms, he is classy, his words are perfect and almost flawless. Sometimes I would cry listening to him. And after a hectic day of teaching 120+ kids, all I want to do is go back and just listen to him talking about our beloved prophet Muhammad S.A.W. 

If he has this so much impact, I know that Rasulullah must be much much better and I feel so sad thinking that sometimes I'm not a perfect Muslim. I know I did so many wrongdoings and am still not perfect now. I feel so small. I feel so helpless. I feel like crying. I don't know whether I'll be near Rasulullah in the afterlife. I'm scared.

Today is Friday

In my last post, I made a plan to write at least 3 entries during my holiday but I was busy tending to my niece. She drained the energy out of me but I love her more nonetheless.

So, now that it is Friday and I feel that a heavy weight is lifted off of me (Alhamdulillah), I will write everything that has happened for the past couple of days starting with the next post =)

My Plan

Ok, here's the thing, I was so busy, I can hardly breathe (this is not so much of an exaggeration). Yes, it was so hectic being a teacher.

So, I made a list of things to do during the one week holiday. And one of them is writing at least 3 entries in this blog. I know I can do many things but writing is a weird way where I can channel the tension of working non-fucking-stop.

What shall I write? I can always write about my kids. Yeah, I begun to love them so much. And it makes me a bit sad too, thinking that I have let go my kids at Pykett. :'(
Seriously!

My new kids, they have their own personalities. There are those that at first impression, you feel like you're going to have a tough time, but along the way, they're the most adorable thing you can ever find.

And there are those that look so innocent and so different than me that I feel like protecting them to death.

so, looking at them twitching their noses, and just walking makes me feel proud. I want to adopt them. Not 24 hours 7 days basis because they have their own parents but only during the weekends because I want to take care of them and teach them. I want them to be successful. I want them to love me like I'm their mother. I want to feel I am good at something.



Insyaallah, one day I'll adopt them. Amin.. (I just have to show I'm responsible because apparently Momma said I cannot even take care of myself..True Mummy but I can la take care of them).


And all of this is ended with Alhamdulillah. My gratitude to Him for blessing me with so many great things!!!!

From The Past

I always think I'm weird in that I sometimes feel like I'm stuck in the past and that I really cannot move on. For example I hate my own birthday because I'm no longer that care free 9 year-old self.

Whatever!

I just wanted to post a message from a friend dated 5th March 2010 (yeah, I keep old messages, I think I have a disorder!).

"Ur sarcasm makes me weep 4 u buzzy. Wish I was there, at least v can make fun of those dickheads =)"

I used to be young =_='

New Year. New Life. New Me.

Good morning dear me. =)

So, here's the thing. I am now officially a working woman. I am no longer someone that depends on her mama for money. Oh, I still do until my 'gaji masuk'. MASYUUKK!!

I noticed some things have changed in me. 

1. I cannot wait to turn 24.

2. I am more calm and at ease.

3. I began to love my hair being long. I start to play with my hair and admiring it being longer than I usually keep.

4. I feel I am more matured. 

5. I used to feel like I cannot live alone but now I feel I can. Kalau Allah dh plan aku xkawen, I'm goin to be just thankful and fine with that (I have my kids that I began to collect now. Hee).

6. I began to like being with my family now that I am working. I no longer want to live anywhere other than my own home. I don't want to be away from my mother. I want to spend my entire nights with her.

So, how's life as a teacher?

-When I am with my kids, (though showing a very stern face), I am at my happiest. Especially when I see them smiling trying to answer my questions, when they make a very puzzled face when they don't understand what I've just said.

-I love to see their big black eyes and their stomach bulging forward when they are excited =p

-The school uses whiteboard which I prefer much much more than a blackboard.

-The downside is, I have a new set of kids that I began to miss my Pykett Methodist kids so much it is eating me inside.

What remains the same?

-I am pretty much clueless in everything.

-I am still mama's spoiled brat girl.

-I miss Penang and my friends. When we first registered at maktab, me and my friends have one thing in common. We are new there and we don't know anything. Now, at school, I have nothing in common with the teachers that we can be close except that we are teachers.

-I miss Penang. Oh, I've said that.

-I miss Pykett Methodist.

Oh, I forget to mention. From a very small school (SK Pykett Methodist, Georgetown Penang) to a very big school that looks more like a college than a primary school (SK Kantan Permai, Kajang Selangor).

To my friends, I pray that we can get through this with grace. Dan semoga kita ikhlas mengajar sampai pencen memanggil kita (Or death. Which ever comes first). Please pray for each other too.

A STEP TOO BIG

This 16th will be a new beginning for me.

What will my life be like after this?

TAKUT!

Wedding Fever

IF ever I wanna get married, who would I want to be my pengapit/maid of honour?

*Who would I share this most important day of my life with?

*Who would I call giggling telling that I wanna get married and I would love her to be my maid of honour?

*Who would I just instantly think about, pick up the phone and tell her the news?

I have 2 people in mind right now

1. This person is the person I know would not make me tensed up on the big day. This person would make me laugh out loud on my big day. She would make my pictures look horrible as I would just be laughing with her. She would be there as my friend for life. 

BUT: She doesn't even talk to me now. I'll try my best shot asking her one day.

2. This person has helped me a lot and I think asking her to be my maid of honour will flatter her. I would show everyone that she's the best friend anyone could ever get. I would be honoured if she can be beside me during my big day.

BUT: It'll take her almost one whole day to be a bridesmaid and she would have to do it for the groom's side too. She helped me so much, I feel terrible for troubling her more.

Tapi nak kawen tu xtau la bila =p

Dalwinder Kaur

This is gonna be short & sweet.

You've written a post with my name as the title so now it's my turn.

I hate saying thank you because what you did, deserve more than just a thank you. I can never ever repay you for all the times I need your help, for the encouragement you've given me. For all the moral support, they lift me up. No one has ever really cared about me other than my family. You gave so much without ever expecting anything back.

When you called today and sounded more excited than I am, I'm touched. Really. You've made my day. Thanks for supporting me. Thanks for believing in me more than I believe in myself =)

I'm the type of person who takes small silly pictures and keep them forever but my old laptop betrayed me several times I've lost many pictures of you and us. This is the only pic that I manage to find and Puvi has to be there la. Hehe. This is one of those wild nights. Hee..

We've come a long way since then huh? I would do it all over again if I'm given the chance.

Ok, I love you so much babe. Thanks!

P.S: So much for a short post. =_='

In A 'Weng' State

I was writing this one entry and my language has gone haywire. Decided to stop and just make it a draft before polishing it back one day. So I viewed my drafts and there is a post where I was being the typical me. I was 22 and afraid to turn 23 in a couple of months and I was cursing. 

Hahahahaha..

Wow, time quickly flies. I've grown I think and I'm glad =) Owh, this time, I cannot wait to be 24 because my 23 sucks big time and I feel that this year is a good year.

Hey, this year, I have already written a few. I'm so proud of myself! Haha.

Of Childhood, Naim & Things In The Past

Naim, my primary school friend gave me a few ideas on what to write. So, here's the first one. Dedicated to you and read it carefully. I'm not what I used to be. Hahaha

When I was younger, the only subject that 'cacat'kan my report card is Pendidikan Islam. I did not study anything at all but I would always get great results (not bragging here). My teachers would always praise me. When I think about it, I feel weird and I'm so blessed. I was the 'clever' student & I don't really give a damn about anything else around me. I was the annoying, attention-seeking student. I knew that some boys had a crush on me but I was a happy child I don't think of boys or anything else. I was so happy with my life. Some envy me and I was every teachers' pet. I was living the high life. I swear to God, since Perlis is so small, sometimes, I bump into people (older people,the makciks and pakciks) and they all knew me. Since I was young, I don't bother to ask who they are anyway. And one of my paternal aunties used to tell me how her neighbours talked about how excellent I was.

If I tell my friends now how I used to be, they won't believe me. I am now the most passive girl. I am so shy I'll burn myself in public. Sometimes, I don't feel like meeting my childhood friends because I don't want them to view me differently. That is what we called 'growing up' & for me, it sucks. Now, I listen to people instead of people listening to me. Now, I follow what people want me to be instead of doing things my own way. Now, I'm scared that I hurt people's feelings all the time instead of just go for what I think is right.

Anyway Naim, you were adorable. You are the little few people I can still remember (yeah, I was a brat). You were once this tiny creature, running around and I still remember that you were fair. Haha. Putih sangat. Oh, and you were very talkative =p And now, you are my closest primary school friend. You have a huge heart. Thanks for helping me when I need your help. Trust me, I'll try my best to help you if you ever need one. One day, I would love to have coffee with you but please don't have high expectations of me. I'm such a boring person now. I'm not like I used to be.

2012

I want to write at times but I don't have any topics. Please leave some suggestions if you have some.

Yesterday, I went to one of my dear friends' wedding. We went to the same secondary school; SMK Telok Mas. It was a new school, we were the second batch. Bayangkan senior kitorg form 5 (we were in form 4) hanya 9 org.

And here are some pictures of us. I cannot believe that we used to have flings here and there during the 2 years we studied there. That was the time la. Hahaha

The blue-shirt guy is Mat Gan. Dulu mata putih dia merah spnjg masa sbb tu org pggl dia Mat Gan. Dia pendiam klu dlm kelas tp seyes bergeliga otak. Tetiba semua A. Jenis manusia yg aku suka, pendiam tp berisi. Aku punya respect sama dia! Kwn kitorg yg pengantin perempuan tu.. Dia antara sedikit yg masih panggil aku adik lg. Congrats Ida. I love u so much and I'll pray that you're happy with your new journey in life =)

Ni Diana. Sorg2nya budak aku yg sama Dorm 4. Dia cantik. Aku xpayah tgk dia berulang kali utk ckp dia cantik sbb dia trsgt cantik.. Kacuk cina dia ni. N aku rasa pelik gila skrg pggl dia Diana sbb roommate aku pun nama Diana. Jd rsa janggal gila.

And here we are again kt JJ Melaka yg baru buka. Yg baju hijau tu Aiman. Dia dh tunang dh dgn budak kitorg jgk yg tudung hijau tu, Ana. Kecik kn dunia ni. Dulu sama2 pengawas perpustakaan,skrg dh jd tunang dh. Yg paling hujung tu Hazwani. Dia ketua murid dulu. Dia yg mnyebabkan aku kantoi brmasalah kt asrama dulu. Haha. Citer lama dh pun =p Yg sebelah aku tu org pggl dia Pensel sbb dia batang je okay. Sgt kurus. Bila jumpa dia skrg, terasa mcm dgn Remy tp aku lebih rapat dgn dia drpd Remy kut. Remy mnakutkan bg aku. Dlu ada brskandal jap dgn Pensel ni. Lawak gila bila pikir balik.

Rasa mcm baru semalam sakit2 badan ikut peraturan sekolah tu, kena rotan dgn Ustazah Halijah yg sgt garang, kena marah teruk setiap hari dgn Cikgu Zaleha, kantoi dgn warden, Cikgu Adnan sbb menyorok bawah meja guru sbb ponteng klas tmbahan Add Math, kantoi dgn Mama sbb  langgar peraturan asrama, mnjadi ngada2 tnpa ada tanggungjawab sbb junior sume mnjaga kakak senior dia ni yg xguna. Haha. I miss my juniors too. Bila keluar dri sekolah tu, aku trus kna urus diri sndiri. Xbest betul

I'm too old for that stuff now. Penat rasa. Hehe..

 

And that was all from 2003 & 2004. It is now 2012. I hope I've changed for the better along the way. I love SMKTM especially that it is this place that Allah has given me the chance to know my baby sis that I love so much. I do. I love her and how I would stopped the world for her.

* Anyway, happy 2012 everyone =) I can sense that this year is a good one!