I am not supposed to write. I am supposed to do lesson plans but screw myself. There are many issues I want to write. I may not be able to write after this one because of these endless lesson plans (they’re killing me).
I am always different from my sisters. I’m super dark and they’re fair. They are adored during primary schools and get good grades. I was always compared to them when I was in primary school. Not that I mind. I like being different.
I am not a good friend and I moved to places when I was young. So, mind you, my longest friendship I’ve been into is 6 years. I always disagree with people. I make enemies all over the place. But seriously, I don’t do that intentionally. I just think too differently than people around me. And misunderstandings led to people thinking I’m a psychopath who loves to look for enemies. I am not. Sometimes, I have the truest and most sincere motives but manipulation occurs leaving me thinking what have I done wrong. I always believe that I want to be friends for the sake of being friends but I guess I’m too naive. Bila nk kiamat ni, menipu akan jadi perkara biasa dan tidak akn mnjadi isu besar.
And the things I’ve said and thought about being down and super low is bullshit. Now, seriously I know how really low means. When you see things but you cannot feel anything. You see things but you feel like you’re seeing them from another body. It’s when you don’t feel your own fingers. It’s when you feel like rejected every waking hours of the day. It’s when you feel like sleeping is the only remedy that puts you back into normality.
Seriously, I feel like a dog trapped in a shit hole. People see me but they cannot/refuse/just plain disgusted to help me. But I am still a living thing. I am trapped real bad and I don’t have a way out. The shits are drowning me. The people just stand there looking. They may start laughing anytime soon. I am begging. I am pleading. I am bleeding. I keep on begging but nobody wants to help.
Now, I know how to appreciate the smallest things in my life that I used to take for granted then. Rice. The sweet taste of plain rice. The preciousness of water. The life I had back then. But I can only reminisce and look at people’s true colour.
TAKE NOTE: YOU DON’T HAVE ANY IDEA BEING IN MY SHOES NOW. DON’T EVER SAY THAT YOU ARE NOT CONTENT WITH YOUR LIFE. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE BLESSED WITH. DON’T EVER SAY THAT YOU HAVE EXPERIENCED HARDSHIP AND BETRAYAL THAT YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL.
Talking about betrayal. Hey, betrayal do taste bad. You would have known that. But time makes you ignorant huh? You know what, I don’t want to be like you. Trust me, I just hope for the best of you in the future. I don’t want anyone to ever feel being in my shoes now. It sucks big time. Oh, I am perfectly fine drowning in my own tears and tasting blood from my chapped lips. I have never thought that these things mean so much to me. You should try once. It feels so pure and I don’t have to feel competitive and being the best in everything.
Thank you to the almighty that I realized how I shouldn’t be complaining too much then. How I was perfect and how He has now given the biggest lesson of my life.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Oh, speaking of thank you, thank you so much Shuji. You are such a nice person. We’ve met for a short period of time and have never ever met again then and you would still hold my hands and help me out from this dark place I’ve put myself into. I know you read my blog and I read yours too. They’re funny and you do have your perspectives that can be considered brave? (I cannot think of any other adjectives at the moment).
And Natrah. I don’t have to tell anything and you would just say that you’d help me. You are a true sister. You don’t judge me and you comfort me saying how you would just know how it feels to be me. I was touched. Seriously. And you are the friend I met for less than a year. I know that if I am in front of you telling my story, I would just hug you and cry. (I don’t do that normally because I always feel people would feel uneasy but seeing you accepting me, I am not ashamed to do that).
Low ya, thank you for being sweet. I have never guess that all the jokes and all the ‘kutuk’-ing makes me realize you are the true friend indeed. Hei low ya, I still keep the message “it’s ok, we are friends low ya”. That is super sweet.
Ahlam, thanks for being the few people I respect. You don’t talk much like other people and you don’t go and sibuk hal org. You just do your own thing. But the few things that you said are all meaningful and helps comfort me. I must say that abe is really lucky.
B: Sedih.J: Senang je. Bila B dh kaya nnt, B beli mangosteen bnyk2, letak dlm bonet kete, bg kt diorg. Pas2 B kata "Ni utk korg. Saya nk dgr korg ketawa mcm dulu je. Ambik la.”B: Thanx J. Pedas btul klu kena.J: Xdela. Kesian kt B. Bila B senang, sume ketawa dgn B. Bila B nanges, xde spe pun tman B.
