True Confessions

It seems a while ago that I have many things to say. But now that I am typing, I'm lost in thoughts.

I have been showing I'm happy and tough when all I am inside is such a wreck, scared, coward girl.

I'm seriously scared. I thought I have friends but I actually don't. My definition of friends is people that I can instantly pick up the phone and call just to complain how sucks my day went.

Now that I'm working, I am all alone. I know I don't have much to complain at school because I have adorable kids and the teachers are not that bitchy. I have been through worst that I was almost feel like losing in life. When I was studying, I saw many types of people that constantly put me down. To the lowest of lows. I always wondered back then, why am I being put in such tests? What did I do wrong? Even when I am typing this, I can still feel the hurt. I feel like crying now. People can really give scars to me. But I realized that all the tests makes me such a strong person now. So strong, that I don't experience the so-called shitty working life with shitty working colleagues. Alhamdulillah. I am so thankful. Subhanallah. Allah is so great!!!

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment though. I feel so lost. I want friends. I gave everything to people just to make them appreciate me as a friend. Oh God, why is this feeling happening to me? I'm not a teenager to be thinking of friends. I am an adult.

And now that I realized that I shouldn't be thinking of my 'friends' because I am an adult, I am starting to think like an adult. Where we begin to think of our life partners. I don't usually think like this but I am starting to think of my future husband. Yes, I love to flirts and look at beautiful guys. But I want my own Ustaz Don. A guy I can call a husband. A guy I can come back home to after work and feel instantly good. A guy that talks like Ustaz Don. A guy that reminds me of Allah, Rasulullah and Islam in such a soft way. I have had enough of people putting me down with orders and harsh words or those 'perli' words. But Ustaz Don is not for me. Even if he's available, he won't want me. I'm not a good person. But I still want a guy like him so that I can change and become a better person.

I want to tell him my problems. I want to just be next to him and smell him. I want to look forward to seeing him and listening to him after work.

I'm scared. I'm sad. I don't even know what's happening to me.

I'm tired. I'm sleepy. I have problems and I don't know who can help me.

In conclusion: I don't have friends that I can laugh with. I don't have a guy that can always advice me and make me feel at ease. And yet, I still have a mountain of problems!!!

Ya Allah, give me great things. Things that I love and can handle. Things that make me feel worthy.

Engagement blah blah blah

My ex is engaged. The news killed me instantly.

Nope, not that I still love him. Of all my boyfriends, he is the most boring-est. And I cannot tolerate boring boyfriends. I get bored (I even sleep throughout movies, ok). I get cranky.

So, why am I taking this so seriously? I don't even know. Maybe because it's the fact that he's boring? Or because I feel like he's the most innocent that even his words cannot be trusted?

I hate it so much. To be fooled.

Time waits for no man. There will be a new day,everyday. They do not stop mourning for me alone.

Allah has planned everything perfectly for me. Things that suit me best and that no one else can fit into it.

Ustaz Don

His name is Don Daniyal b Don Biyajid. Ustaz Don.

People around me know that I get attracted to guys easily and when I heard about him, I thought I'm goin to fall for this guy too.

Yeah, I did but not for the same reason as the other guys. I don't even look at this guy's face. I just love the way he teaches Islam. Sometimes, I just hear his voice while doing my work. And his words touches me. Yeah, many were affected by his words.

He is knowledgeable and good looking. He can speak good English. He can speak Hindi. He can speak Arabic. And the best part, he speaks loghat Utara. something that I listened to growing up. So, when he talks, it hits home. Oh yeah, he's very funny. A very complete package I must say! Respect!

He has charms, he is classy, his words are perfect and almost flawless. Sometimes I would cry listening to him. And after a hectic day of teaching 120+ kids, all I want to do is go back and just listen to him talking about our beloved prophet Muhammad S.A.W. 

If he has this so much impact, I know that Rasulullah must be much much better and I feel so sad thinking that sometimes I'm not a perfect Muslim. I know I did so many wrongdoings and am still not perfect now. I feel so small. I feel so helpless. I feel like crying. I don't know whether I'll be near Rasulullah in the afterlife. I'm scared.

Today is Friday

In my last post, I made a plan to write at least 3 entries during my holiday but I was busy tending to my niece. She drained the energy out of me but I love her more nonetheless.

So, now that it is Friday and I feel that a heavy weight is lifted off of me (Alhamdulillah), I will write everything that has happened for the past couple of days starting with the next post =)

My Plan

Ok, here's the thing, I was so busy, I can hardly breathe (this is not so much of an exaggeration). Yes, it was so hectic being a teacher.

So, I made a list of things to do during the one week holiday. And one of them is writing at least 3 entries in this blog. I know I can do many things but writing is a weird way where I can channel the tension of working non-fucking-stop.

What shall I write? I can always write about my kids. Yeah, I begun to love them so much. And it makes me a bit sad too, thinking that I have let go my kids at Pykett. :'(
Seriously!

My new kids, they have their own personalities. There are those that at first impression, you feel like you're going to have a tough time, but along the way, they're the most adorable thing you can ever find.

And there are those that look so innocent and so different than me that I feel like protecting them to death.

so, looking at them twitching their noses, and just walking makes me feel proud. I want to adopt them. Not 24 hours 7 days basis because they have their own parents but only during the weekends because I want to take care of them and teach them. I want them to be successful. I want them to love me like I'm their mother. I want to feel I am good at something.



Insyaallah, one day I'll adopt them. Amin.. (I just have to show I'm responsible because apparently Momma said I cannot even take care of myself..True Mummy but I can la take care of them).


And all of this is ended with Alhamdulillah. My gratitude to Him for blessing me with so many great things!!!!