Bye Bye Bye For Now

I am not Britney Spears who can show who she really is through her actions without worrying what others think of her.

I am Sharifah Bazilah who makes New Year’s resolution to be herself but failed miserably to do just that. I am however brave enough to WRITE my heart out. Therefore, this is my blog and I don’t really care if people criticize me because it is my space. So, feel free to navigate away from this page because I am being myself and I can be really fucked up when I write.

My life now has been a roller-coaster that I have made a decision to stop writing for a while. I think I am going away from writing for a very long time. I’m going to concentrate on my diary. She has been abandoned for months now and I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry dear diary. And for those who have read my posts, I thank you so much. I know I am an adult now but I feel like a child. Please pray for me. I am a big time mess.

Dear John

I watched Dear John on one of my trips to see my mom. The movie is nice (the lovey-dovey kind) but has a sad/unexpected ending. I always feel that stories with sad endings attract me the most and I’ll be haunted by them for years (like Wuthering Heights- it is so dark). So, here is the synopsis:

Actually, I feel like doing my own version of Dear John. (I feel like changing the name of the girl too. Sierra is the name- ala ala pnyanyi la konon). And it happens in Paraguay where they speak…………………….hmm…………………whatever language Paraguayan speak. English is used here to translate their language.

“Hi, can I talk to Sierra?”

“Who’s this?”

“This is JOHN”

“Yeah right you’re JOHN. I’m a man”

“Then I’m gay”

See here, Sierra cannot believe herself that John called her. Sierra is aware that John has his own line of girls that go crazy over him.

“He always sleeps alone in his room. His roommate always sleeps somewhere else”

“Then I should go and teman him sleep. I know his room”

These are some girls’ talk that shows how they have a huge crush on him. Hee..

Sierra sees John and feels that he has some charm that's impossible to ignore. He is handsome.  And (memendekkan crita), they fall in love. John chooses her over the other girls. John is a nice guy; too nice maybe, to his friends and especially to Sierra. They have their time together and Sierra loves him more than anything else. John treats her nicely and Sierra feels that he; besides her family, can really understand who she really is.

“I just want you to know that I really love you”

And being a jerk she is, Sierra shows who she really is. A short-tempered, spoiled girl who knows nothing about taking care of one’s feeling. But they survived through Sierra’s crazy storm of fury and that makes her love John even more. John never knew this and maybe his friends too. They are observers, they are outsiders who easily judge but never care to help.

“If something happens to us, you know, if one day fate found us to be not meant for each other, and then there are  people hurting me, saying mean things to me, would you come and save me, protect me from them?”

“I will always be there for you no matter what”

They survived long enough that John really knows Sierra and Sierra is at a time where she is really tired of being angry.

“Me and my friend discussed about you last night”

“What about me? "

“About my kinda girl”

“What’s your kinda girl?”

“Just like you”

The day is their anniversary. Sierra remembers it too well. She loves him but being a guy that he is, John forgets. Just as he forgets her birthday that year (birthdays are important to girls. Take note). Sierra doesn’t explain it to John but she makes sure that John feels guilty enough by doing the silent treatment. She is just so tired of being angry. She tells John that she wants to have dinner with her best friend and off they go. 

John calls Sierra many times but she doesn’t realize them and he decides to visit her at the restaurant Sierra and her friend are having their dinner. Feeling guilty because he forgets the event of the day, he yelled Sierra in front of everybody. This is the second time Sierra is being yelled. Being a great boyfriend all this while (with all the coaxing, all the sweet words, all the promises), ‘yelling John’ is not something to expect. 

And Sierra does what she always did. Staying silent until John comes and sweet-talk her back. That is always the way it goes. But this time, John doesn’t come back to her. He stays silent too and Sierra began to feel that the relationship is over.

“What if there’s this guy. He wants you and he is perfect. He is rich. He’s handsome. He’s tall. He is everything that a girl could dream of”

That is the time John met another girl. She is so unlike Sierra. John and Darla become friends. Sierra doesn’t know this and she feels guilty that she tries to make amends to John. John treats her nicely but things were different. John never bothers to call her in the morning like he used to or call her back using the public phone if both their cell phones are out of money. 

They meet one day (after he cancels the supposed date and she begs him like hell. Turns out Darla asks him out and he quickly accepts and cancels his date with Sierra) and little did she know that it will be the last time she is going to speak to him. 

He makes his decision that he wants to be with the other girl (my mind is saying to use other nouns but I decided against it) and he left her alone in the rain (really, the real rain. Not her tears).He left her walking alone in the rain that day and that is so unlike him and his words. She cried herself to sleep for years onwards.

<Bila Cinta song versi Paraguay playing in the background>

So here is the (maybe) last letter she manages to write.

Dear John,

I am out of words (as I have been blogging). All I want to say is I am happy for you as you have found your true love. Please take care of her. A girl’s heart is too fragile. They may pretend that they are happy and brave but they long for protection and they need constant reassurance. Yeah, this is just me talking. I know she is the complete opposite of me. She can run hundreds of kilometers whereas I am easily tired walking to the other end of corridor to the toilet when there is no water in the toilet nearby.

I am happy now. Too happy maybe that sometimes I feel insecure (this is the usual psychotic me). I just want to let it all out.

I know I was not a good girlfriend to you. Heck, I don’t think I am now. I am not a good person even. I am not the perfect daughter, the perfect sister or the perfect friend. I am just trying my best to appear perfect though I know I’m wrecked inside. I hope that this letter reaches you because this is my way of apologizing. I love writing and I think I express myself best through my writing. 

Some things are just not meant to be. There’ll be no more of us taking breakfast at a spaghetti restaurant (I just made up that Paraguay is famous for its spaghetti) and you would eat scrambled eggs – my childhood time’s favourite. There’ll be no more of us taking bus together to the mall and we would smell like the public when we got off the bus. There’ll be no more of me laughing at your silliness. There’ll be no more of you to be scolded by me to make me feel better. There’ll be no more of you being there for me when I am at my lowest. And there’ll be no more of YOU and ME.

Take care John.

With regards,

Sierra

Excuse My Rambling

I used to love studying. I don’t have such drive now. I love Language Description, Language Development and Social Studies. I’d be paying my full attention to Mdm Chiang, Mr. Hussein and Mdm Ong and I’d be all excited to do exercises for LD. Now, every subject is a blur. The words coming out from Cik Siti, Dr. Raini, Mr. Bala, Mdm Ong, and Miss Yeoh are series of unregistered sounds. I’d be looking at them but nothing really happens in my brain. Maybe this is a sign of quitting. 

I can say that I don’t really care but deep down I do care. The reason I don’t quit this six damn years of (non-stop) studying is because of my mum. I study because of her. I love to see her expression when I told her my results. She’d be kissing me and they’re warm on my cheeks. She said comforting words and I know it is worth every seconds of studying agony. However, no matter how hard I try nowadays, I seem to be quitting, flying out into space and just drifting into nothingness.

So, during one of the classes I planned out (not thoroughly) the things I want for my wedding if ever I get married. 

I have always wanted “Stay Together for The Kids” song by Blink 182, no particular reasons for the choosing of the song but I fell in love with it when I listen to it when I was young. I don’t want any “Selamat Pengantin Baru” song. They remind me of the hassle and the warm weather in weddings.

I want to have a black and white theme wedding. No colours. Not silver. Just plain black and white. That would be cool. 

I want a 3D Travis Barker playing drum-cake. I’ve always said to my friends that I want a Britney Spears cake for my birthday. Just a cake with a picture of Britney Spears would be freakin cool enough. For my wedding, I want a 3D cake of Travis Barker playing his drum. It would feel real and I’d be the happiest person in the world. Hehe..

I was thinking of wearing a black wedding dress but I change my decision. It would be so cool if I wear a tux. Man, that would be a dream come true.

I think that is all for now. I don’t really care what my groom would be wearing. He’d be all sexy wearing anything and he’d be mine. :D

p.s: When I was young, going to this one wedding, the bride (a Malay) changes clothes to a saree. My sister quietly whisper to me:

“Kalau adik pkai bju tu msti nampak lagi real”

Once Upon a Time

Okay, so I don’t get to surf the internet for a very long time. What a bummer. 

I am looking at old photos and how time flies really fast. We were happy, sad, angry and sometimes crazy and a bit dork.

I remember this one time; it was during the fasting month. I didn’t know how this happened but I ended up breaking the fast with Hanisah and Ainnul. 

So let me tell who these 2 people are. 

Ainnul:

She is the person everyone says is the definition of pretty. She is the perfect example of a person that should be in the Malaysian television. Something like Lisa Surihani and the likes. Everyone seems to be dazzled by her. Every man in my cohort (I think) wants to be with her-lucky Japp.

Hanisah:

Most people say that she is pretty. And from my point of view, she is damn beautiful. I love to look at her. She is the few girls that I really think is beautiful (I’m very hard at giving compliments to women. There are few that I really think is beautiful and when I say that the person is beautiful, I totally feel struck by her. But it’s very easy to say a guy is handsome, cute or sexay.. Hee..). She has these huge black eyes and though I keep making fun at them by saying that they are all lemak, I adore her eyes so much. That is what even makes her look pretty.

So, here’s the story. I don’t know where Diana was at the time but me, Ainnul and Hanisah ended up going out to break the fast. And we didn’t just go to Tesco. We went to Prangin (and I didn’t have my car back then). I don’t know if I’m weird or something but even remembering this event gives me goose bumps. Here’s the deal. People say that these two people are pretty and there I am with them. I am the ugly duckling. The really really really ugly duckling. And when I walked in between these 2 gorgeous girls, I feel like a huge monster. I feel ugly and I feel that they are fragile. It’s hard to understand me because when I am excited about something, I really am in the mood. So, there it goes, I felt like they are these princesses from heaven and that I could easily break them. They talked softly and I felt tired because I am naturally a loud person (when I am with my loved ones).  But, I love this bit of my memory. I was not as close to them then but we really went out together. It feels weird. I love them to bits and this will be one of the things I’ll remember for a very long time.

Nk simpulkan la: I went out with two pretty people and I was there with two pretty people. I feel ugly and big and so out of place. I was afraid that I might crush them to death but fortunately, they survived.

Ainnul and Hanisah, we should go out again soon. It will still feel a bit weird but you guys are my friends and soon we won’t be seeing each other. And I’ll be old. And darker. And old. And wrinkled. And old. (you get the point. I hate being old!!). And you guys will still be beautiful and perfect with no scars and perfect. And eye-candy. And perfect. And no lulit ye Ainnul. The thing that you showed me is not selulit in my definition. That was nothing. Don’t worry, I just love to call you lulit.