True Confessions

It seems a while ago that I have many things to say. But now that I am typing, I'm lost in thoughts.

I have been showing I'm happy and tough when all I am inside is such a wreck, scared, coward girl.

I'm seriously scared. I thought I have friends but I actually don't. My definition of friends is people that I can instantly pick up the phone and call just to complain how sucks my day went.

Now that I'm working, I am all alone. I know I don't have much to complain at school because I have adorable kids and the teachers are not that bitchy. I have been through worst that I was almost feel like losing in life. When I was studying, I saw many types of people that constantly put me down. To the lowest of lows. I always wondered back then, why am I being put in such tests? What did I do wrong? Even when I am typing this, I can still feel the hurt. I feel like crying now. People can really give scars to me. But I realized that all the tests makes me such a strong person now. So strong, that I don't experience the so-called shitty working life with shitty working colleagues. Alhamdulillah. I am so thankful. Subhanallah. Allah is so great!!!

I don't know what is wrong with me at the moment though. I feel so lost. I want friends. I gave everything to people just to make them appreciate me as a friend. Oh God, why is this feeling happening to me? I'm not a teenager to be thinking of friends. I am an adult.

And now that I realized that I shouldn't be thinking of my 'friends' because I am an adult, I am starting to think like an adult. Where we begin to think of our life partners. I don't usually think like this but I am starting to think of my future husband. Yes, I love to flirts and look at beautiful guys. But I want my own Ustaz Don. A guy I can call a husband. A guy I can come back home to after work and feel instantly good. A guy that talks like Ustaz Don. A guy that reminds me of Allah, Rasulullah and Islam in such a soft way. I have had enough of people putting me down with orders and harsh words or those 'perli' words. But Ustaz Don is not for me. Even if he's available, he won't want me. I'm not a good person. But I still want a guy like him so that I can change and become a better person.

I want to tell him my problems. I want to just be next to him and smell him. I want to look forward to seeing him and listening to him after work.

I'm scared. I'm sad. I don't even know what's happening to me.

I'm tired. I'm sleepy. I have problems and I don't know who can help me.

In conclusion: I don't have friends that I can laugh with. I don't have a guy that can always advice me and make me feel at ease. And yet, I still have a mountain of problems!!!

Ya Allah, give me great things. Things that I love and can handle. Things that make me feel worthy.